Time Kills

Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Contribute to Genocide...

2010-03-16T09:05:00.021Z

A former NATO commander, General John Sheehan, has left members of the wider, saner, international community perplexed recently as his contribution to a US Senate hearing on homosexuals 'openly' serving in the US military amounted to the most confused bigotry I've heard in a long while.

Gen. Sheehan

We've all heard the pointless old arguments on why gay men and women shouldn't be allowed to serve - and thankfully, since the majority of nations now allow people of any sexual preference to work in their armed forces, these arguments are generally falling of deaf ears. What the US military still lags behind on is the right for such men and women to serve 'openly', and it's policy of 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' actively prevents any kind of equality for homosexuals working in this sector.

Boys on tour

Fine, so the 'Don't Ask' part is fair enough, it's not really anyone's business to know your business unless you want them to. I expect that in everyday life, not just in the workplace. The freedom from persecution or harassment, regardless of sexuality or lifestyle-choice, is a fundamental human right as far as I'm concerned.

It's the 'Don't Tell' part that I take issue with - as it really eradicates any protection that 'Don't Ask' appears to grant the individual. Put simply, anyone who is brazen enough to commit the shocking admission of homosexuality (sarcasm alert), can no longer serve and is ejected from military service. It's a kind of 'get-out' clause, quite literally, for those in charge. If you do decide to come out to your friends, as would be totally acceptable for people in any other profession, and word of this gets back to anyone in authority - they are well within their rights to tell you to leave. Even if you're a highly-skilled professional soldier, medic or pilot and your actions might mean the difference between life and death for your regiment - it's still more important to the US military to discharge you from service than to allow you to make a positive contribution to the war effort.

The final kick in the nuts is that they won't even grant you an 'honorable' discharge when you leave (regardless of service history) - instead opting for a 'neutral' or 'undesirable' discharge. Then it's up to you to restart your entire life and career with your right to freely choose your employment restricted by a system that clearly discriminates.

Madness, I know, but not quite as mad as General Sheehan's underhand efforts to disrupt progress in this area. As President Obama tries to abolish 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' - the general was called to give evidence at a Senate hearing, where he sensationally revealed that NATO forces failed to protect citizens of Srebrenica during the Balkans conflicts of the mid-nineties, because of poor morale generated by the presence of openly gay Dutch soldiers.

There are many things you could say about the Balkans conflict, from the misunderstanding by the US and NATO of the nature of entrenched tribal tensions, to the over-zealous bombing campaigns, but I'd never thought I'd hear someone blame the gays for one of the bloodiest periods of the crisis. To his limited credit though, he does try to contextualise his criticism within the wider 'problem' of a 'socialisation' process in the armies of western Europe. Here is his brilliant theory summarised for those of us less well-versed in military strategy and intelligence;

Sheehan observes that since the end of the Cold War, the various armies of Europe vastly changed in response to the reduced threat of an imminent attack on their borders. According to the General, the lack of an aggressive superpower like Germany or Russia in the late 20th century had a direct effect on European attitudes, and contributed to the admission of openly homosexual military personnel through a wider process of 'socialisation' in the military sector. Jumping forward to 1995, the UN-declared 'safe haven' of Srebrenica was under the protection of a Dutch peace-keeping force stationed in the town. By July, the town was overthrown by a Bosnian Serb paramilitary group and around 8,000 Bosnian Muslims were brutally massacred in what came to be known as the 'Srebrenica Genocide'.

Sheehan believes that the presence of openly gay Dutch soldiers, coupled with the apparently related decline of an 'active combat capability' in Europe's armies, directly contributed to this genocide - one of the bloodiest and most terrifying attacks of the Balkans conflict.

Okay, so I honestly don't understand how this man was allowed to command troops. Maybe he's blinded by prejudice, maybe he's just a bit thick, but if you don't have confidence that the recruitment process offered to UN soldiers (or any soldier) is sufficiently thorough enough to equip them with the attitude and ability to overcome any situation, whether they're gay or not, then you don't have faith in the system at all. If it were down to me (and perhaps it should be), I would ensure that the training undertaken by professional soldiers enabled them to relate to their colleagues as professionals, and not leave any room for doubt or prejudice, which are obviously products of a system like 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell'.

Perhaps the Dutch forces were just overwhelmed, or perhaps they really weren't well-trained enough in combat, but it certainly wasn't because they were gay - or that they knew that somebody else was. Come on Sheehan, this is playground stuff. 'You're gay' was the stock criticism of the intellectually-challenged at school.

Apparently, some of them never grow up.

BBC News article here.

Hate the player, not the game.

2009-11-25T11:22:00.013Z

Following the release of the record-breaking and frankly awesome 'Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2' - video games have, once again, been thrust into the spotlight and are being held as a major source of society's ills and dysfunction. The apparently infinitely-impressionable 'young people' of the world are again under the concerned scruitiny of the morally self-righteous, and riders of high-horses everywhere, as it emerged that some modern games contain ethically ambiguous scenarios, as well as the usual mix of hyper-realistic violence and frantic killing sprees.

I know, I know - awesome.

It always amazes me just how much effort is thrown into studying video games which are already widely available, to draw the usual tedious conclusions that violent material may have some impact on impressionable gamers.

In the past, the argument was a relatively simple case of pointing at violence in games, pointing at violence instigated by (usually) disenfranchised and troubled youngsters before basically saying 'you do the math' and hoping that it held water as a compelling case against the perils of this most demonised of entertainment formats. The arguments normally hold as much water as a broken colander, as they're based on wide assumptions about the nature of games and gamers alike, and are usually put forward by people clearly seeking the conclusions they draw.

Lately, however, the torch-bearers have upped their game. Swiss human-rights organisations 'Trial' and 'Pro Juventute', have released a detailed study into modern war games - specifically looking at the actions and consequences (or lack thereof) of the main protagonists.

Evoking the Geneva Convention, the study reports that the "practically complete absence of rules or sanctions is astonishing" - and further, that many "erroneous" messages about the nature of modern warfare were being distributed, as very few games reflected that characters who "violate international humanitarian law end up as war criminals, and not as winners". The study concludes with a call to game developers to be far more considerate in future, and try to incorporate elements of international humanitarian law - to better reflect the real-life consequences of waging war without good reason or with disproportionate use of force.

Yeah, that will be fun won't it? Expect to see the game manual replaced with a U.N guide to humanitarian law, and the guidelines to what constitutes a war crime, and any character who flouts these laws in-game to be processed by means of a lengthy and detailed court-marshall. That will be awesome! Maybe they'll even hold the player in a dirty cell for an unnecessarily long period like they did with Saddam, and some of the guards can film the hanging on their iPhones! I hope I get the clean death bonus!

The point I'm making, in my rather facetious manner, is that games have never been made to totally represent or re-produce real-life - the ones that have are called 'simulations', and are tearfully dull. Real life is what I experience for the majority of my time, it's mostly pretty boring and I spend too much of it drinking coffee and writing incensed rants for a blog that nobody reads. I feel I should be forgiven for wanting to escape that every once in a while, and if I use simulated violence to unwind, then so be it. Some people use actual violence, and that's at least marginally more damaging. But, while I play, I'm not so immersed that I can't distinguish between the game and real-life - and I don't believe that everything I play through is representative of the real world. Just like I don't believe the same things about films, tv, books or music. Nobody does really, because we're not the inept simpletons these research facilities believe us to be.

A simulation - yes you get to drive a train!

A game - yes you get to blow up aliens!

I think the real issue here is grounded in interactivity. Video games have become more and more engaging and immersing every year and, with the huge graphical advances of the past 5 years, also more 'realistic'. Never as realistic as a live-action movie of course - but the point here is that the player controls the actions of the protagonist of the story (to a degree), and therefore has a direct impact on the outcome of the scenario. Therefore, I believe the point they are trying to make (in their roundabout way) is that in their immersion the player will associate their in-game actions with the real-life organisations, and will not only develop their penchant for visceral extreme violence - but will feel vindicated as no judgement is held against them as they perpetrate heinous acts.

But that is like real-life isn't it? Forgive my naivety, but I thought that in real-life it was okay to invade practically defenseless countries under false pretences, wreak havoc that results in the death of nearly 50,000 civilians (far more than all military losses combined), and plunge the invaded nation into bloody sectarian violence that threatens the stability of the region before going on to hold successful careers as after-dinner speakers and peace envoys - never facing trial, or being held accountable for the groundless, illegal war you started. Maybe the Swiss don't see it this way from their island of neutrality - but in real life you can do all these things and more, you just have to be on the 'right' side. (Incidentally, studies into the Iraq conflict released this week go even further to discredit the 'WMD' motive for war)

"another fine mess"

Anyway, where I lose track of the argument is the leap between violent, unrestricted content in games and the real world. Now I can't speak for everyone - but I know that neither I, nor any of my friends, has ever been inspired to commit violence as a result of playing games. Furthermore, I don't believe that the vast majority of players make any link between the game world and the real world - no meaningful link at any rate.

In my experience, most gamers are mature and thoughtful. The most controversial element of the most recent Modern Warfare sees the player operating 'deep under cover' and finding it necessary to shoot civilians to prevent that cover being blown, and it has caused much disquiet amongst gamers and non-gamers alike. I felt uncomfortable myself, and didn't find the thought of the wholesale butchery of civilians an easy one at all - I'm not a world leader after all!

The media controversy only arises because people who don't play games assume that all games are designed for fun, and that this is another 'fun' level. I can see why it might upset people who believe that, but it's just not true. Just as films have scenes of murder or rape, and books might carry themes of child abuse or drug use - games have equally challenging scenes to play through. In all media, themes like these are an uncomfortable moment to experience - but in the wider context of the story, they are normally justified.

Games are simply entertainment, and I welcome more challenging and thought-provoking content in them in future. It's clear to me that video games have matured along with the people who play them, and while they're not always true to life - I don't think that really matters, as we've seen time and again, real-life doesn't always play by the rules either.

BBC Story here.

Shadappa ya face...

2009-10-06T12:45:00.004+01:00

Italians love fascism. They invented that shit, and it turns out it's hard for them to shake it off - even in this so-called enlightened age. This is evident from the recent decision to review a law that renders the Italian Premier immune from prosecution while in office.

I'm personally amazed that any such law exists in the first place. If we remember our political philosophy, 'Absolute power corrupts absolutely' - and surely we learned a little something from two world wars? Apparently not - Italy's fascistic hangover has incubated a culture of automatic amnesty for those who one would assume would need it least. I suppose it all depends on the type of person finding themselves in power and, as we've learned time and again, Silvio Burlusconi (Italy's current dictator) is a complete tool.

scary chap

In Britain, we don't take our politicians acting up. True, sometimes it takes a while to come round to it - but when something's up, it's good to know that heads will roll (figuratively speaking). Not so in Italy it seems - the immunity law has allowed Burlusconi to withdraw from a number of cases in the past - including one for corruption in office. Opponents of sneaky Silvio say that the special treatment of the head of state totally undermines the concept that all citizens are equal before the law. That it does, but these things are rarely so straight-forward - Burlusconi has presented the compelling argument that his immunity allows him to govern without being 'distracted' by the judiciary.

Oh dear, it is so dreadfully distracting being charged with corruption when one is trying to present oneself as a trust-worthy world leader isn't it? Poor old Silvio - he's had such a hard time of it, being distracted from his pioneering work in 'hanging out with topless models' bill by those pesky courts. Yes, the hard-working Premier is arguably too busy filling his cabinet with a bevvy of beauties, having models over to his villa to frolic around nude, and suppressing pictures of the event (making it illegal to publish them in Italy), to be bothered by the trifling matter of whether or not he bribed a lawyer to give false evidence about him. That's understandable, right? Wrong.

Happily, the Spanish media has published the pictures for everyone's benefit - and whilst they don't show anything particularly incriminating (apart from the fact that Silvio was still with his wife at the time), they do undermine the man's scandal-weathered credibility even further and hopefully it's incidents like this which will lead to absurd laws like this being overturned, and ridiculous tyrants like Burlusconi being ousted.

(Link to pictures, published by Spanish media)

BBC News story here.

Named and shamed

2009-08-11T15:47:00.013+01:00

We all know that names are important. The right name can give it's owner a distinct advantage in life, making them more memorable when they most need it. It's well known that many actors and musicians change their given names for this very purpose, it's been going on for centuries.

chosen one

Mozart chose 'Amadeus' (meaning 'Love of God') as his middle name, Dirk Bogarde used to be 'Derek Gentron Gaspart Ulric van den Bogaerde', and, unsurprisingly, Engelbert Humperdinck isn't a real name either - born to a British Army officer and his wife in Madras, 1936 - Engelbert is really 'Arnold Dorsey'.

Another twist to the tale is the notion of 'nominative pre-determinism' - the idea that a person may grow to work a job or perform a function which appears directly related to their name. One of the more famous examples of this is the 19th-century plumber, and 'toilet innovator' - Thomas Crapper. Contrary to popular belief - he wasn't the inventor of the flushing toilet, nor the inspiration for the use of the word 'crap' in this context, but he did make significant advances in the field of feces - including the invention of the ballcock, a system still in use today.

'Crapper's Valveless Waste Preventer'

Unreliable examples of the phenomenon are well-documented in the 'Happy Families' card game, such as Mr. Bun the baker, Mr. Green the grocer - and the far less popular, Mr. Pounce the serial rapist.

Sometimes, the two sides of the story come together with tragic consequences. Today sees the conviction and imprisonment for life of the US rapper 'C-Murder', for the fatal shooting of a teenage fan in Louisiana in 2002.

Assumedly, 'Corey Miller' just didn't sound outwardly violent enough to the gun-toting simpleton, and he decided to assume the new identity in order to make his intentions clear. I think the 'C' must stand for 'child' - since the victim of his idiocy was 16-year-old fan Steven Thomas.

If only he had assumed the identity 'C-Cuddler' or 'C-Lovely', but I suppose being nice to people isn't really the point of being a successful musician - it's more about shooting your teenage fans to death outside nightclubs.

BBC story here.

I don't know art, but I know what I like...

2009-08-03T10:47:00.019+01:00

The line between music and performance art is constantly being smudged and re-drawn. Notably, recent 'chart sensation' Lady GaGa has challenged the public's view of art in music - effortlessly blending distastefully elaborate costumes and set designs with bland, repetitive electro-pop bollocks.

It's truly engaging stuff, if one has suffered some form of brain damage or undertaken a frontal lobotomy, and her winning formula of bright colours and underpants has assured her position in the annals of music history.

po-po-po-poke her face. with a pointed stick if possible.

Oddly for a musician, Lady GaGa seems utterly pre-occupied with image. I know that 'the look' is very important for any serious music act, but I don't feel it should be one's primary concern. Speaking from her and Lord GaGa's New York estate (I assume there is a Lord GaGa), the first lady of leotards is quoted as saying;

"When I'm writing music, I'm thinking about the clothes I want to wear on stage"

Personally, I'd be thinking about the music - but I am something of a traditionalist in that sense. I'm not so naive to deny that image is important in music - I just can't see costume being at the forefront of most credible artist's minds when they pen their latest track.

Lady GaGa is lucky though; someone else has come along to de-throne her as the most contrived contributor to art in music, and as such has re-directed my scorn. The 'music painter' known as Kilford is a self-styled 'rock n' roll artist' from London. Unschooled in art, his craft consists of painting along as he 'sees' music - either at home by request, or live on stage with the band.

The finished products are discordant medleys of colour and brush-strokes, and are reminiscent of paintings by elephants - a popular staple of children’s TV and light entertainment.

He also says ‘man’, a lot.

(top - Kilford, bottom - an elephant)

Kilford has speculated on whether or not he has the extremely rare condition ‘synaesthesia’, which manifests itself as visual representations of shapes and colours when a sufferer hears music, but has not had himself diagnosed;

“Some people say I have it… but I haven't been to a doctor with things zapped on my head or anything…I've studied it…I wanted to understand it a little bit more, and it was interesting to see the repetitive shapes and colours in there."

Yes, it is interesting to see the repetitive shapes and colours – no wait I don’t mean interesting, I mean repetitive.

Whilst I think this kind of abstract art does have a place, the more I look at Kilford’s work, the more I feel the man is a charlatan. In between his misguided brushwork, whenever it seems he stops ‘seeing’ the music, Kilford resorts to just daubing the lyrics of the particular song he’s listening to onto the canvas;

Leona Lewis - Bleeding Love

There’s something very teenage-angst about incorporating poignant lyrics into an artwork, and to me it suggests a profound lack of vision.

For Kilford, it seems, art is all about music – and despite this not being his medium of choice, he is determined that his work has value and place – if not in the art world, then in music;

"For a good two to three years, people were like: 'what are you doing, man?' But musicians dig it. They really get it. A lot of art people don't perhaps get it, but I don't really care."

Yeah, that’s right mate – they don’t get it. It’s my suspicion that the musicians don’t necessarily ‘get it’ either, and many acts will use any gimmick they can to make their stage shows a little bit different. It’s a well known trick – Alice Cooper, the king of gimmicks, has used elaborate on-stage props for decades to keep his audience interested. The ‘music painter’ is such a gimmick, and if anyone is claiming to ‘get it’ – it’s my suspicion that they’re under the illusion that there’s something to get.

Something by Status Quo

The bottom line is - I would love to be able to distinguish different songs through a purely visual medium, that concept in itself excites me quite a lot. However, if we take the majority of his work on face value – it seems that most music sounds nearly exactly the same to Kilford – like a pinkish magic-eye image of a pile of vomit – something I think the K-man recognises;

“Is it pretty, is it not pretty? I'm not sure. Is it aesthetically beautiful? Some of them aren't."

Some of them? Right.

I’m not saying that art has to be beautiful either, that would be crazy, but I do feel that if one can’t produce work which is pleasing to the eye, then one should display a degree of proficiency and technical skill, or at least produce a compelling concept to connect the subject with the work, and I just don’t think that Kilford does that. I think he just turns up.

Judging by this picture - I think he would have liked to have been a rock-star. More specifically, as a self-confessed ‘indie music junkie’, I think he would have liked to have been in the Stone Roses. I don’t know if the man has any talent for music, but I do know he has no talent for art – so it may be time for a career change.

Perhaps I’m being too judgemental, and I should take it all as a bit of fun. Like the guy says;

"That's what it's all about man, getting out there and making art rock 'n' roll... otherwise it's boring. And I don't want to do anything boring."

I don’t mind about that – but he also doesn’t seem to want to do anything good. The old cliché with modern and abstract art is the feeling that ‘I could do that’ – and yes, I feel I could do that.

The only difference between us is that he did it first.

BBC Feature here.

Healthy Democracy

2009-07-23T10:35:00.017+01:00

The balance of spending money at government level is a notoriously tricky business. As we all know, you can't please all the people all the time - but it's probably justified to think that the government should have a bloody good go at it. President Obama appears to be trying to do just that, and yet is facing incredible difficulty and opposition as he tries to push through healthcare reforms in the U S of A.

Hmmmmmmmm.

In Britain, we take our healthcare for granted. We whinge, gripe and moan about the National Health Service and it's apparent failings regularly - but do we have the right to, because we pay for it through taxation. Established after WWII by Clement Atlee's Labour government, the NHS is the product of a welfare state, determined to promote equality amongst it's people, and improve the health of a nation permanently. The grounding principles of the NHS ensure that to today, the provision of healthcare is based on clinical need and not the ability to pay.

Perhaps such a system would be too difficult to implement in a sprawling giant of a country like the US, but it would seem prudent to move closer towards a more inclusive healthcare system - especially when 47 million people have no health insurance, and a further 25 million are under-insured for their needs. Ethnic minorities and low-income families are still the most likely to live without health insurance, and the issue is a constant reminder of the inequity between citizens of one of the wealthiest nations on Earth. Year on year, the US spends the most per capita on healthcare globally, but due to the very competitive nature of the sector - the quality of care for those most in need is usually relatively poor.

The reform that president Obama proposes aims to reduce the cost of healthcare, increase choice, and widen coverage for the average American. All noble goals - but, unsurprisingly, the plans are being opposed at every turn by the president's political opponents - all of whom are very well covered by their generous government health insurance policies.

One of the major criticisms of his plan, and the one most likely to see it fail at congress, is the cost. The estimated bill to the nation stands at roughly 1 Trillion dollars ($1,000,000,000,000) over 10 years, and with the economy in the state it is - anything that costs so much is surely doomed to failure.

Well, maybe not. After all, the US taxpayer has been more than happy to fork out for a good cause in the past - and let's not forget how keen they are on protecting their own - universal healthcare should be right up their street.

For example in 2008, in the name of US security, the continuing 'Operation Iraqi Freedom' cost the nation a staggering $711 Billion. Accounting for an incredible 48% of global military expenditure that year, and 98.6 times more than the pathetic $7.2 Billion spent by arch-nemesis Iran, the US spent more than the next 45 highest spending countries combined on military purposes.

source: armscontrolcenter.org

I can't argue that it isn't value for money though. It all must go somewhere - as compared to a paltry 753 US fatalities in Iraq since the war began (accurate at time of writing) - the US have managed to wipe out an impressive 9,155 insurgency fighters, not to mention a horrifying estimated 100,000 civilian lives. Civilian deaths are difficult to verify of course - since they're normally a result of air-strikes or suicide attacks, and most are too mangled or crushed to identify as human - it's probably a lot more than we know of.

Not that all of these are directly a result of American attacks - but they didn't exactly increase the life expectancy of the average Iraqi when they willingly and knowingly plunged the country into sectarian violence. We all make mistakes though, right?

But surely, I hear you cry, there's more to protecting your own people than killing people in other countries? In a way, I think preserving the health of your own civilians should take precedence over destroying the lives of others - and when it comes down to brass tax, it's a lot cheaper too. Barack Obama's health reform proposition would see $1 Trillion spent over 10 years, which sounds like a lot - even to potentially save countless lives - but when one compares this with the $5.6 Trillion they have invested in taking lives over the last nine years, it doesn't seem so expensive - and perhaps even a little more useful.

They don't even have to give up shooting people either. As news today proves - you're never too young to start dishing out the friendly fire in America. If they just stayed home and shot each other up - not only would it be a lot cheaper than sending the world's most advanced armed forces to dusty countries around the world - but they could make full use of their brand new public health service, and have a few trillion left over to spend on extra bullets.

Just a thought.

Smoke and Mirrors

2009-06-17T09:48:00.010+01:00

Further proving the inability of those in power to see the 'bigger picture', Liverpool Primary Care Trust has forwarded their plans to automatically classify films featuring characters smoking as '18s' in local cinemas. In a response to the prevalence of under-18's smoking in their city, the PCT is claiming the proposed scheme would help stub the problem out - and that half of the city's estimated 5,300 young smokers have been directly influenced by seeing film stars puffing away.

The direct influence of watching movie stars smoking can be expressed using what has become widely regarded as the most reliable measure of the phenomenon known as 'dude persuasion' - or the 'James Dean principle of aesthetic relativity'. Simply put;

if (A) James Dean is cool, and (B) James Dean is smoking,

then; (C) Smoking is cool.

see? it's awesome!!!

Films of historical significance, and films which carry a distinct anti-smoking message (because there are thousands of these) are exempt from re-classification, and the policy also wouldn't affect classic movies - assumedly they are aware of the strength of the 'James Dean principle of aesthetic relativity' as an example of 'perfect logic' - leaving only new releases to become the preserve of over-18s only.

To my mind, it's just another short-sighted policy proposal, designed so the PCT can appear to be doing the right things - whilst simultaneously drawing attention away from the fact that they have no idea how to actually combat the problem. The proposal is grounded in such a vague, unproven claim that I don't believe it's even seriously being suggested - I think they know it won't go anywhere, but at least they can say they tried.

For a start, this is Liverpool. Even if the proposal was taken up, it's not like these films wouldn't be seen by under-18s anyway - every community has it's 'Dodgy Dave' with his rucksack of copied DVDs.

Caaaalm down

That's really beside the point though. I don't believe anyone seriously goes to the cinema and makes the decision to start smoking. It's widely held as true that if your family and friends smoke, you are more likely to start yourself - and I imagine that is still true for most cases of young people taking up the habit.

If you really want to combat under-age smoking, you need to target the sources of social deprivation and increase education. If people really understand how seriously bad it is for your health - they can make the informed decision to take the risks or not - I don't think that restricting the kind of films people can see is helpful in any way.

Finally, as if we needed any more proof of Liverpool PCT's incompetence, of the under-18s who smoke in Liverpool - how many are actually over 16? I only ask, as 16 is still the minimum legal age for smoking in the UK, despite the legal age to buy smoking materials being raised to 18 in October 2007.

This disparity between being allowed to buy cigarettes and being allowed to smoke them is highly counter-productive in my opinion - if we really want our kids to stop, then it should be made illegal to smoke under the age of 18 too. Raising the minimum age for purchase, and potentially blocking under-18s from seeing films with smoking in, is utterly pointless when it's still perfectly acceptable in the eyes of the law for under 18s to actually take up the habit. Let's face it, if they can do it - they will.

BBC News story - here.

Apathy is the glove into which evil slips it's hand.

2009-06-08T12:17:00.028+01:00

Following a week of political turmoil in British Government (even more so than usual), the wider media has flown into a frenzy of panic and despair as the right-wing British National Party have made significant gains in both local council elections and the European Parliament.

Nick Griffin

The response of the BBC (and, it seems, many people's facebook status) is to give a lot of air-time to people who oppose the BNP (which is nearly everyone), and to generate an atmosphere of injustice, as right-wing politics enjoys unprecedented success in the UK.

As party leader Nick Griffin arrived at the North West count at Manchester's town hall - he was set upon by angry protesters, who surrounded his vehicle and broke one of the windows. Even as he tried to deliver his victory speech, members of the various opposition parties 'symbolically' walked out of the room - leaving him with a perfect opportunity to wax on about how they turn their backs on him as they turn their backs on the electorate that granted him the seat.

In the days following the result, protests have been held in towns across the North West and Yorkshire, and prominent political figures have spoken out, some labelling the result as 'terrible'. Conservative leader David Cameron even claimed to be 'sickened' by the outcome of the European Election.

sickened

It's all very upsetting and confusing for people with moderate (or even rational) views - and I can fully understand why people are protesting and speaking out over this, but the fact of the matter is that we have no right to complain.

One of the most fundamental principles of a functioning democracy, is the right to free election. Coupled with the right to free speech, effectively this means that anyone can say what they like - and potentially, they can be elected into office if enough people agree with their views. The moral outrage expressed by political figures and protesters after the BNP were democratically elected to office last week, are empty sentiments - they may as well be opposing the values that our democracy is grounded in.

True, their disgruntled remarks are supported by the same free speech that saw the BNP elected - but the vehement backlash is hardly a constructive reaction to the outcome of a legitimate democratic process. A phrase about locking stables and horses bolting springs to mind.

The plain fact is, the BNP received a large enough share of the vote to achieve representation in Lancashire county council, and in the European parliament. This was achieved through a democratic process to which we all subscribe. To complain about it after the matter is simply churlish, and offensive to anyone who truly believes in the principles of freedom and democracy.

And let's face it, it's not even as if they have had it easy. Throughout the BNP's campaign, their efforts were hampered by people opposed to their extreme standpoints on immigration and other related issues - even the heads of the Anglican Church urged people to boycott their campaign and direct their votes elsewhere.

Rowan Williams

To my mind - political freedom is inseparable from religious freedom. The distancing of state and religion is something which sets the UK apart from a lot of the world, and it is wholly inappropriate for the heads of a national faith group to urge anyone to vote in any direction. Whether or not they support or endorse a political group, it is not the place of religious leaders to say so publicly. I can't help but feel that if they had encouraged people to boycott a popular party, the political establishment wouldn't have stood for it.

Not that I'm inclined to jump to the defence of the BNP, the very fact that they have such extreme views forces them to face harsher scrutiny than others, but it is simply undemocratic to directly influence an entire swathe of the public on political matters, especially when you are a prominent member of a world faith.

However, despite the best efforts of the Anglican Church, the BNP seem to be doing better than ever before - prompting mass outcry from reasonable people across the country.

Sadly, their efforts arrive too late. I'm sure there have been numerous anti-BNP rallies before the elections last week, I even joined one myself once in Blackpool, but the most effective method of keeping the BNP down isn't marching or shouting (or throwing eggs) - it's voting, and it's the one thing that didn't happen last week.

True, the BNP have achieved a greater share of the votes in both the Lancashire local elections and in North Yorkshire for the European elections - but the fact is, they received fewer votes overall than at the last ballots in 2004. The only reason they have succeeded this time is due to mass disenfranchisement and apathy at the hands of the politically moderate.

People who would have normally voted for Labour stayed away from the polling stations in droves, and thousands abstained from involvement in these elections altogether. The BNP may be calling it a victory, and marketing it as an increase in support for their views - but if you judge it on the numbers, and I do, technically they have less support than 4 years ago - and only achieved the seats they did because fewer people voted in general, not because more people voted for them.

BNP Propaganda

(who has ever suggested that Britain would become 'Islamic'???)

So, my message to the country (I know they're listening) is to just stop worrying. The BNP have secured seats on two very separate assemblies, through which I don't think they will achieve a great deal. They face an incredible uphill struggle to make any serious changes to policy in a country which has gladly accepted immigrants and new settlers for centuries. The fallout of empire should naturally be support for people from the ex-colonies, which is where the vast majority of 'foreign' settlers have come from over the years. After all - we went to their countries and took from them, building one of the world's strongest economies in the process (well, it was).

Why would Manchester want to lose Rusholme's 'curry mile', or Notting Hill lose their Carribean carnival? Would the BBC Asian network simply pack up its bags, or the MOBOs be called off? I'm not inclined to believe that anyone I know would happily let these things happen, so for that reason - I'm glad.

I'm glad the BNP have succeeded, and that they have the opportunity to be heard on a national and international stage, I'm glad more people will see what they stand for. Let them stand up and speak, let their policies be heard - then the world can judge them for what they are. A wise man once said, 'If we don't believe in freedom of expression for those we despise, we don't believe in it at all', this is more true today than is has ever been. Don't let their ignorance turn us into fascists like them - democracy put them where they are, and democracy shall remove them again.

Stop throwing eggs and walking out of speeches, stop closing our eyes and ears to what they have to say. The BNP need no help in discrediting themselves, they are perfectly capable of messing their campaign up on their own.

Frankly, it will be a joy to watch.

Tall Order

2009-06-04T16:08:00.007+01:00

Stingy staff of the 'Angel Chef' Chinese restaurant in Gloucestershire have forced an outraged family to pay the full adult buffet rate for their son, claiming that he was 'too tall' to qualify for the children's rate. Ten year old Ben Gardner was measured by staff, and was judged to be a full 9cm taller than their highly scientific system for judging a person's ability to eat Chinese food, and hence his father was forced to fork out (ahahahaha) for another full-price adult cover.

Mmmmmmm.

Since the height system has been in place for over a year, and the rules are clearly marked on the wall of the restaurant (next to the height chart presumably) - the Angel Chef will not be issuing a refund to the recession-hit, credit-crunched family.

My advice is for the Gardners to return to the restaurant with a horde of adult midgets, as long as they're under 4'11", all hungry for revenge. Let's see if they stick to the height policy when they're overrun by a shire-load of little folk...

Ironically of course, the world's tallest man is Chinese. If he was to turn up, would the height policy pricing increase exponentially? Of course not - he's like their king or something.

BBC Story here.

Tolerance

2009-05-27T12:45:00.004+01:00

If there’s one thing I can’t abide, simply won’t live with - it’s intolerance. In all its forms, by definition, intolerance annoys me. Invariably it manifests itself in uninformed prejudicial statements, made by one person or group holding certain opinions, against a particular type of person or school of thought. Religious intolerance, sexual intolerance, racial intolerance, and political intolerance – these things are not the hallmarks of a healthy, well-adjusted mind.

That said, there is one thing that annoys me more than intolerance – something which is the enemy of progression, and constantly beleaguers efforts to incubate genuine social harmony - and that’s tolerance. Let me be clear, I’m not simultaneously whinging about protagonists from two sides of the same argument. I think it’s more or less impossible to sit on the fence about issues like racism and prejudice and, for the record, I am against those sort of things on principle.

Rather, the reason for my disaffection with tolerance is syntactically driven – I take issue with the term itself. When politicians encourage us to exercise tolerance, or the police enforce tolerance in fragmented communities, or at political rallies – it really undermines the principles behind what they claim to be trying to do, by using such a ridiculous word.

I tolerate idiots, I tolerate bad food, I even tolerate Orlando Bloom - but the overriding characteristic of my tolerance is generally an accompanying hatred for the subject of it. I tolerate things because I’m a rational human being who doesn’t want to get involved in unnecessary conflict, and I also want to be able to watch ‘Lord of the Rings’ without attempting to gouge out my eyes, rupture my eardrums, or otherwise render myself sensorially deprived so not to experience the on-screen masterclass in dead-pan delivery and vacant stares delivered by the Bloomer. Hence, quite sensibly, I exercise tolerance.

I find it deeply troubling that many people’s best efforts to get along with people who look different to themselves, or believe things opposing their own views, only stretches to ‘tolerance’. It seems a very British thing to do. Even if you can’t stand someone for a reason as integral to their very being as their ethnic background or sexuality – we are constantly advised to just button up about it, tolerate their differences and get on with our own lives. This doesn’t help anything in the long-term; it only encourages people to continue living apart from each other and to avoid the integration of normally conflicting communities.

If we only practice tolerance, then the persistent problems of perceived and actual social divisions will continue unnoticed. Brushing our issues under proverbial rugs only saves them up for someone to find when we finally move house. No, tolerance isn’t enough. The big political hitters will wax on, if allowed, about the success of Britain’s relative tolerance with regards to ethnic minorities and people’s religious differences – but I don’t want to live in a tolerant society, for as long as we only tolerate people – we do not accept them.

We need to learn that when it comes to people (not Orlando Bloom actually, he has no soul), tolerance is simply insufficient. We should strive to embrace people because of their differences, not in spite of them. There’s nothing healthy or intelligent about ethnically or ideologically homogenous communities, even within the context of a broader multi-cultural society. Maybe it’s just me, but I like to learn as much as I can about every type of person, hear their music, and eat their foods. As ever, I am motivated by my stomach – but to me it’s as good a reason as any to get to know people better.

To wrap up - I think the main point you should take from this enlightening essay is one of hope. I know the world’s in a bad way right now, but think ahead to the inevitable zombie apocalypse. When marauding undead hordes roam the land, killing people regardless of their race, beliefs or sexuality – we will see a seismic shift in people’s attitudes. When zombies (or aliens if you prefer) attack - all the old grudges will have to be thrown aside.

Be you Jewish or Muslim, black or white, gay or straight – we will all need to work together to rid our world of the living dead at all costs. My advice, disable the enemy by removing the head, or destroying the brain. I’ll repeat that – removing the head, or destroying the brain.

Just think about it, okay?

Christian AIDS

2009-03-19T11:02:00.011Z

As Spiderman taught us, with great power comes great responsibility, and for those of us who navigate life's stormy waters with a moral compass grounded in the teachings of comic book superheroes - this wisdom serves us well. Sadly - it seems that Pope Benedict XVI hasn't seen Spiderman, despite it having been out for seven years, and makes his big decisions based on a totally different book - one without pictures, the word 'Shazam', or even a clear moral code that isn't at odds with it's own teachings.

Unlike Spiderman's straight-forward ethics, the Bible is open to interpretation - and one thing the Catholics have always been keen on is the idea that contraception is inherently wrong in all its forms. While this issue isn't necessarily a big problem in the context of a healthy family-based relationship - when the same message is preached to deeply religious congregations in the AIDS-stricken countries across Africa, the implication of putting the idea into practice is a little more worrying.

Defending the Church's' traditional stand on the issue - God's 'representative on earth' spoke out to journalists during his flight to Cameroon, advising hundreds of millions of Catholics worldwide;

"Don't use condoms - even to prevent the spread of AIDS"

You heard the man - two wrongs don't make a right in this Pope's book. To counter the spread of a highly infectious, life-threatening virus by committing the 'sin' of preventing an unconscious blob of cells the chance to mix with further unconscious cells (a sin against the teachings of a wholly improven entity) is just a bridge too far for the Catholic church. Of course this was always going to be his position, even he doesn't have the power to re-align the Catholic church's approach to this issue, but to put it so bluntly (as millions of African Catholics hang on his every word) is a little bit troubling to say the least.

There are currently around 22 million Africans infected with the HIV virus, and a large number of those infected don't know that they are. It is estimated that nearly a fifth of all Africans are Catholic too - which makes for some pretty scary numbers when you consider the Pope's advice. Don't fret too much though - this is a pontiff with a plan. His solution? Just stop having sex. It clearly works for him, so Benedict XVI is happy to impart the advice to a continent in crisis. Advocating simple abstinence, he remarked;

"the traditional teaching of the Church has proven to be the only failsafe way to prevent the spread of HIV/Aids"

Well, yeah - that and condoms.

To me, the notion that the use of condoms is somehow more ethically 'wrong' than totally ignoring the risk of cross-infection of the world's most dangerous viruses, is so morally repugnant that it's terrifying to hear it come from the lips of one of the world's most powerful and influential people. The number of followers who hang on his every syllable, believing him to be the conduit of the Lord's divine influence on Earth, is incredible - and many rely on him to guide them in all matters of morality.

I just feel there are quite important enough things at stake, like the futures of entire nations, that it would make more sense to rely on science, than to listen to the health advice of an old man in a hat in Rome. I am far more scared of AIDS than I am of God, and I would feel a lot happier if important issues like this were dealt with by scientists and medical professionals. At the end of the day, the bible says the whole world was created in just seven days, between only six and ten thousand years ago, and that all womankind was conjured from the surplus rib of a single man.

In a way, I don't want it used as a medical handbook.

BBC News article here

Twitter

2009-03-10T14:40:00.008Z

I do feel like the last to show up to a party, but today I embarked on my journey into 'Twitter', the sensation in real-time blogging which counts many high-profile celebrities and public figures amongst it's members. Soon after joining, I elected to 'follow' one of my personal heroes, Stephen Fry, and man-of-the-hour Barack Obama. President Obama's Twitter seems to largely be about policy and serious government stuff, and I doubt he personally updates it, but it is a surreal feeling when he seems to update you on his business.

Stephen Fry is an active user and second most-followed on the site (after Mr Obama of course), a confirmed technophile - today I learned that he is in New York but too tired to shop. There is, of course, no value to knowing this - but it's nice to know he's ok.

I'm still unsure as to the point of Twitter, which seems to be a scaled down version of facebook really (if you read 'followers' as 'friends', and any post as your personal 'wall') - most users appear to be using it to wrest a response from celebrities. I admit I tried myself within minutes - replying to one of Fry's posts with a tenous reference to one of his novels in an attempt to provoke a response.

It didn't work - he doesn't care about me. I am one in over 280,000 though.

Anyway, if you're interestered - here's my page.

UPDATED - woah, Twitter is boring. Account deleted.

Damn Dirty Ape

2009-03-10T09:53:00.007Z

'Santino', a male chimpanzee at a Furuvik zoo in Sweden, is reportedly responsible for master-minding and carrying out gorilla (ahahaha) attacks on visitors to the zoo, by launching rocks and stones from his own personal stash. This revelation is of great significance, as it goes some way to proving an animal's ability to anticipate future events, and to even make plans for when they happen.

Workers at the zoo found that Santino was calmly stock-piling missiles around the visitor viewing area of his enclosure, prior to opening time, and raised no cause for alarm. However, later in the day, when Santino judged there were too many people peering in on him, he became visibly excited and agitated - launching his artillery strike on the stunned Swedes.

good lad

Further interesting the zookeepers and scientists, the cheeky monkey has displayed the ability to judge which parts of his enclosure are adaptable to construct weapons with - as he inspects the concrete 'boulders' for weak spots by listening for hollows, and then cracks them open to provide himself with extra ammo. Not only this, but he has also shown relative indifference when small numbers of visitors are present in the low season at the zoo - reserving his main strikes for larger crowds, and saving his attacks for when they are most effective.

Santino sounds like one clever guy, and this is rightfully exciting for scientists and biologists, however it does seem to highlight what many of us suspect about animals in captivity. Santino cannot be a happy bunny, or even a happy ape, if his reaction to crowds of people looking in on him is to attack them with stones.

I am under no illusions of the benefits of protecting certain species in captivity for scientific or conservation purposes - but I do believe that the concept of the zoo, introduced millenia ago and popularised in the modern era by Imperial ambitions, is outmoded and outdated, and (based on evidence like this) certainly damaging to intelligent animals.

Santino himself is displaying the aggressive and territorial behaviour natural of chimps, the difference is that he only has a fraction of the territory to range in of his wild counterparts - so his cause for aggravation is realised far more frequently than is natural, as 'foreign' tribes approach his territory on a daily basis in their hundreds.

I'm not sure - it's a very wide-ranging issue, but for me - this indicates that certainly our closest animal relatives, along with other animals of higher intelligence, can never thrive in captivity. Santino's actions are amazing, and of great scientific value, but they do betray an underlying unease and clearly demonstrate that he isn't happy at all.

BBC story here

Golly, what?

2009-02-05T10:03:00.009Z

Perennial posh person and daughter of a tyrant, Carol Thatcher has courted controversy this week as the news broke that she referred to a black tennis star as a 'golliwog' in casual conversation in a BBC green-room. The BBC, supposedly tired of scandals and tabloid-led outrage by now, wasted no time in sacking the 'One Show' correspondent in light of these remarks.

Children's favourite - the golliwog

Aside from the usual 'political-correctness-gone-mad' response, the situation has prompted more interest than it would have - as Carol Thatcher has demanded an apology from the BBC for what she sees as poor treatment on their part. In a radio interview with her agent, Team Thatcher has made it clear they feel it is 'outrageous' that her conversation was leaked to the public - and that the nature of its release suggests some kind of hidden agenda within the BBC, or at least involving the person responsible for the leak.

Ms Ali Gunn (Thatcher's agent) spoke out on Talksport radio earlier this week;

"I would like to say that this comment was made in jest afterwards in the green room over a drink and no-one objected to it at the time. I think it's absolutely outrageous that the BBC has condoned this leak...They haven't even disciplined the member of staff...they should be issuing us with an apology"

Now I'm not so naive as to consider the golliwog doll inherently racist, it is after all just a doll, and the people who leap on band-wagons on either side of the argument are really missing the point. There is no need to fight for this particular piece of British history, nor remove it from the shelves of our shops - but Thatcher's remarks are still racist, stupid, and a big problem.

Carol Thatcher

People in the public eye have always had to watch what they say. Slips of the tongue are all too easy, and many would hope to be judged on what they do - not what they say. However, in this case, Thatcher will be judged on what she has done and said - and judged quite harshly on both. Regardless of the innocence of the golliwog itself, when the term is applied to a real person - it is certainly racist. Particularly, because variations of the term have been used freely in the past - with the intention of carrying negative and offensive connotations.

The fact is, if you want to describe someone - there are a multitude of things you can draw on. A person's character and temperance, or even physical appearance are immediate examples - you may end up being cruel to that person, but you won't offend their race. By describing any black person as a 'golliwog', you are effectively diminishing their character and personality to the point that only their skin colour is relevant to you. The golliwog doll's overriding characteristic is its black 'skin', there's really not much else to it - I don't believe she meant to refer to a golliwog's sporting ability, for example.

What I find most objectionable, however, is Thatcher's inability to apologise or even admit some kind of wrongdoing on her part, coupled with her audacity at demanding an apology. Even if the comment was 'made in jest' and 'no-one objected to it at the time' - it is still a racist remark made by public figure within the walls of a media corporation, and a corporation which upholds a commitment to telling the truth.

Furthermore, I simply cannot conceive of the context in which a comparison between black people and golliwogs is totally harmless - 'in jest' as team Thatcher would have us believe. It seems obvious to me that their approach of coming out 'all guns blazing' and demanding an apology is an attempt to mislead the public. One might be inclined to side with them, or at least believe it to not matter so much, simply by merit of the strength of their conviction in her innocence. All they're really admitting to is that, in the best case scenario, she made a racist joke - that's still totally inappropriate.

At the very, very least - it was particularly stupid of her to say it considering her surroundings. In reality, it has betrayed a less than appealing side to her nature - and her ongoing battle to have someone apologise to her is just making things worse.

BBC News Story here.

Panic Over

2008-12-11T11:35:00.012Z

Don't worry everyone - despite a crumbling infrastructure, nearly non-existent healthcare and emergency services, a fre-falling economy and hyper-inflation gripping the nation of Zimbabwe in the midst of a cholera epidemic - President Mugabe says everything is fine.

Concerned that the current state of his nation could be used as a pretext for 'invasion' by the UK, France and the US - President Mugabe has reassured the world that his government has 'stopped' the cholera outbreak and any such intervention by the global powers is now totally unnecessary.

knobhead

The President of this most pear-shaped of banana republics went further, going on to draw parallels between his nation and Britain - in order to highlight the blatant hypocrisy at work:

"Shall we also say that (because) there is Mad Cow Disease, there must be war - Britain must be invaded"

Alright, for one - well done on being such a well informed world leader, the Mad Cow material is only about ten years out of date. Why not use Karen Matthews? She's even nearly a legitimate reason for invasion.

Secondly, your powers of comparison seem a little skewed to me Mr Mugabe. 'Mad Cow Disease' is an easily-controlled animal disease which rarely makes the jump to humans, and Britain had the infrastructure and public services to effectively deal with it when it was at it's height in the late nineties. Cholera, on the other hand, is another easily-controlled disease which is currently killing hundreds of your people where they stand, and its rapid spread is indicative that vast swathes of your country are lacking in even the most basic sanitation facilities.

No, but you're right - it's the same scenario isn't it?

Twat.

BBC story here

Cheap Sex

2008-12-03T09:16:00.008Z

As the credit crunch tightens everyone's purse strings, we all need to find ways to entertain ourselves without having to raid the piggy bank. I personally enjoy an afternoon tending to my collection of interesting moss, followed by a session racing workhouse orphans round the city centre (and maybe pick up some new moss) - but as they say, each to his own. As more and more people turn to nights indoors, what can we do to keep busy?

In a recent survey conducted by YouGov, an Internet-based market research company, the top money saving activity on the rise in Britain is sex. The Scottish are apparently the most amorous, with 43% of all Scots questioned choosing sex over other free activities like window shopping and gossiping. According to the survey, the least interested are those in southern England, who traditionally don't have sex - they just mix good breeding stock, following arrangements made by their parents after finishing school. I think the northern English mostly don't care, as the credit crunch hasn't affected their dole payments yet;

"Whaaaayy!!"

Miss Doncaster 2008

Of course, I jest - we northerners are a proud people who do not disproportionately abuse the benefits system. We abuse it just enough to get by.

I don't think we can believe this story 100% anyway - we have to remember this is an Internet-based survey. On the Internet, people tell lies. I should know, I once posted on a dating site that I was an athletic, bronzed Adonis. I felt bad about misleading people - until my date, the 'stunning, sultry, brunette sex-pot' turned out to be a Turkish bloke called Batuhan. I mean, to his credit, the sex was crazy hot - but I still hope I get a girl next time.

With this in mind, how many people are likely to have told the truth in this survey? I'd say maybe 5% of people are having more sex during the recession - everyone else is probably having quite a lot less, as they can't afford the nights out, drinking and dining required to acquire a casual sex partner. Nor can people afford trips to the brothel, unless the ladies of the night are committed to cutting VAT and base-line interest rates, as outlined by the bank of England. But, to be honest, I don't know if they're that organised.

The point is, if people were honest with themselves - the top activity for saving money during the recession is probably 'filling out Internet surveys' (or reading aimless blog posts). Whatever you write about yourself on the Internet is always exaggerated by at least half, these people who claim to be having more sex are probably just thinking about it more, and wanking.

If the Scots are having more sex though, good on them. It makes sense really - Scotland is bloody cold. Combine this factor with the recession, rising costs of heating bills, and climate change, and there's your reason right there. It's all about self-preservation in the end.

I'll personally stick to my moss collection I reckon. You might think it's weird, but my discovery of a variety of Andreaeaceae in a temperate, wooded area is incredible when you consider they normally favour rocky habitats.

This is why I have to use dating sites :-(

This is a man's world...

2008-11-14T12:32:00.003Z

Men can apparently do anything - evidently as, joy on joy, the world's first 'pregnant man' is expecting again. As is highlighted in an earlier post, it is a logical paradox for a man to get pregnant - and therefore I'm making a stand here and now against any more coverage of this non-event.

A bearded woman is pregnant, that's all. The publicity-hungry freakshow known as Thomas Beatie must be starved of attention at all costs. I don't think it's unethical, I don't find him morally abhorrant, I don't oppose trans-gender people, nor any woman's right to be pregnant - I just think that Thomas Beatie is a fucking tool.

BBC story here.

A point missed...

2008-11-13T16:07:00.006Z

Moments after they called the election result in the US, the world's media spun into a frenzy. Finally rid of Bush, and looking towards a new era of change - the new president-elect Barack Obama was idolised from the very start.

Of course this election was historic, there has never been a US president who wasn't a grey-haired white man. Barack Obama represents a seismic shift away from that norm - he's good looking, well educated, and well spoken. His oratory skills eclipse most statesmen who have come before him - one could even argue that his charisma and cool-headedness won him the election.

Sadly, I felt, the entire global media network focused on the one characteristic of the man that is totally irrelevant to his ability to lead. Not a single news bulletin passed where he wasn't identified as black, not one panel discussing the election could bear to not include a black person to give their view. The scenes of elderly black people weeping, including prominent figures like Jesse Jackson, gave Americans a sense of pride in overcoming the inequalities that prompted the civil rights movement. A nation patted itself on the back, and even here in Britain - debate was raised over the chance of a black or asian prime minister.

I'm not at all trying to dampen the spirit of this win, nor take it away from the people who need it most, and I recognise that it really is one of the defining and most positive moments of the modern age. However, I feel that so much was made of the race issue by everyone - it took the shine off what was a victory for a man who is first and foremost, an American. Secondly, he is quite accurately African-American, having as he does a Kenyan father and an American mother, but ultimately it is not the colour of his skin that defines him.

The fact is, Barack Obama is not black. His mother is white, so technically he's mixed race - and to continually label him as black, only proves that people still can't think in terms outside of race. Grey, a NYC based advertising group, produced a now famous picture of the two presidential candidates, with their ethnic identities switched - the message was that people should only consider issues and policies when voting, not race. I just felt it drew more and more attention to their respective ethnicities, the slogan 'Let the Issues be the Issue' becomes totally void when it's attached to a poster produced by people who clearly can't disassociate the electoral campaigns from the race of the candidates.

I'm sure that Barack Obama is pleased he can bring a kind of reconciliation to a people who have always felt displaced in their own country. However, the fact that he never drew on his ethnic background to give him an edge proves to me that he's sensible enough to know that focusing on race is never a positive thing. It is that which makes us similar that binds us, and drawing on our differences is not as forward-thinking as the world's media would have you believe, whatever the message is.

The missed point that the title refers to is simple. It is a far more positive thing that a person of mixed heritage is going to become president over a very 'mixed' country, arguably the most 'mixed' country in the world. It is not a case of reconciliation or retribution for black people, nor any kind of 'loss' for white people (the latter being implied by merit of the obverse being held as true). Of course, it's a very positive step towards breaking the real and perceived barriers or racial tension - but I'm sure Mr. Obama is more concerned with just being the best president he can be, at a time when he's sorely needed.

Palin's Failin's

2008-11-11T15:51:00.008Z

She was lauded and criticised in equal measure from day one, but since the Republican defeat in the recent US election - it appears Sarah Palin has been striving to get that last nail in the coffin of her political career.

Alaskan 'hockey mom' Palin caused controversy with her apparently £96,000 campaign wardrobe, not to mention her inability to recognise Africa as a continent, as opposed to just a country. She also admits to veering 'off the script' as the campaign progressed - suggesting she had 'gone rogue' at a time Republicans really needed solidarity.

In a recent interview, when probed over running for the presidency in 2012, Mrs. Palin remarked that it was too early to comment - but she would be consulting (...you guessed it) God over her decision. I think she should leave him alone really - if he wasn't willing to see the Republicans to victory for her this time round, what does she think will change his mind?

Talking to Fox News, the 44-year-old said: "I'm like, OK, God, if there is an open door for me somewhere, this is what I always pray, I'm like, don't let me miss the open door. Show me where the open door is."

After that inarticulate ramble, God probably switched over to watch X Factor.

It is indicative of her naivety and delusion still, that she can come up with such nonsense post-election. In electing Barack Obama, the majority of Americans have proven a commitment to democracy, and a move away from being lead by the nose by zealots and crusaders. Her attempts to smear Obama's profile were, happily, vastly unpopular - and her political credibility was damaged beyond repair as she delivered her automaton-esque answers to trying questions, invoking McCain's 'maverick' status whenever possible.

One of the most worrying things about the Republican campaign was that in the very likely event of John McCain's death - this all-American god-botherer would have been the 'man-in-charge'. This was too much for the American public to consider, after all they'd rather elect a 'black'* man than have a woman in charge. There are limits after all.

BBC story here

*To learn why I write this in inverted commas, see later article on Barack Obama.

How many Romans?....

2008-11-03T14:25:00.008Z

Several local councils throughout Britain have banned their staff from using latin phrases - as they are worried they could be confusing to the general public. Staff have been advised to avoid phrases like 'vice-versa', 'pro-rata', and even 'via', in an effort to prevent alienating people who don't understand them, especially people who don't have English as their first language. The local councils have defended their actions by claiming the use of such words and phrases is elitist and discriminatory.

The move, which has angered many latin scholars, is supported by the 'Plain English Campaign', who claim that many people only use latin to make themselves feel important. A campaign spokesperson said that this kind of ban might finally put a stop to people confusing the latin abbreviation 'e.g.' with the word 'egg'.

'Romanes Eunt Domus' - Brian had problems with latin.

The ignorance under which this decision was taken is astounding. Not only is this a hugely patronising act (the councils have taken it upon themselves as the elected authority to decide what we common-folk can and can't understand), but a completely pointless one - in that most people use these phrases daily without recognising that they are latin at all, hence removing any elitistism element completely.

This 'ethnic cleansing' of the language is a very sad thing indeed. If we were to eliminate all latin influences from English, we'd be left with a pretty empty-looking vocabulary - losing words like utilitarian, novel, turbulence, morbid, equity, effervescent, insidious, divisive, optimism, virile, and so on...

Furthermore, the hypocrisy in their reasoning is self-evident too. How is it any more difficult for people who don't have English as their first language to understand latin words or phrases? For a start, they've already established that they're not English words, they cite this as the root of the problem, ergo (eek!) - wherein lies the added difficulty for the non-English speaker? As a reluctant scholar of logic - this has done more to confuse me than the apparently confusing use of commonplace, every-day expressions like 'vice-versa'.

Finally, as for the 'Plain English Campaign' - they might as well be done with it and change their name to the 'Plain Stupid Campaign'. I'm all for clarity of communication, but not at the cost of the finer parts of English, and as for confusing 'e.g.' with 'egg' - that's not so much an issue with confusing English and latin, it's more to do with discerning the difference between a linguistic element, and something that falls out of a chicken's arse. If you can't manage that, you've got bigger things to worry about.

BBC story here

For God's Sake

2008-10-16T14:36:00.005+01:00

Nebraska state senator Ernie Chambers is a man on a mission. Cruelly over-looked in the race to become the Democratic presidential candidate, Ernie didn't let this stop him taking his issues with the way the world works straight to the top. Disillusioned after years of what he sees as neglect and unnecessary suffering due to "death, destruction and terrorisation" - Ernie has taken it upon himself to sue God, seeking a permanent injunction against the Lord Almighty.

That's right, the big guy upstairs had better watch out. The US has more lawyers per capita than any other nation on Earth and this case finally proves beyond doubt that they are quite happy to try and sue anyone, for anything.

Sadly for Ernie, and everyone looking forward to following the case, it has already been thrown out of court for the simple fact that without an address to contact God at - the plaintiff has no access to the defendant and the case cannot possibly continue. Well, this plus the obvious difficulties associated with suing a fictional character.

Ernie was ready for this though. In a move of unparalleled guile and cunning - Senator Chambers claimed that the good Lord's omniscience superseded his lack of known address, as in his infinite wisdom he would already know about the case against him. He probably knew about it from the dawn of time and has picked out his court suit and everything...

All this was to no avail, as Ernie now cannot refile the case against God - although he has one chance to appeal the ruling, I doubt the judge will reconsider his verdict.

Senator Chambers claimed that the reason he brought the case forward was to prove that "anyone can sue anyone else, even God". However, I'm not certain he's being totally honest here. His observation is totally redundant, and carries quite negative implications - he appears to be saying that any action is contestable by law, even those that can't be attributed to any living human.

No, I believe the Senator is simply trying to lay down some kind of precedence within the legal system in Nebraska. If the court recognised God's omniscience and agreed to charge him, they would essentially be confirming that the state of Nebraska wholly agrees that God exists, by merit of the legal system recognising said 'fact'.

The Senator has already addressed the issue in fact - claiming that by considering the case in the first place (I don't believe they actually had a choice) they had already acknowledged the existence of God and "a consequence of that acknowledgement is a recognition of God's omniscience"

I find this in very poor taste indeed. It's one thing to mislead people to believe that every misfortune they suffer is at the hands of a neglectful creator (or even that such a creator exists), it's quite another to let them think it's fine to sue anyone they can - simply when something bad happens to them. They need to learn that money doesn't solve every problem, and sometimes - shit happens.

Senator Chambers is a manipulative idiot whose blind religious zeal has motivated him to behave in a morally abhorrent manner. And he shags kids.

There you go, now you can sue someone - you can sue me all day long if you like.

(I haven't got any money)

BBC story here

Just a reminder....

2008-10-15T09:20:00.002+01:00

This is in the cinemas on the 31st October. See it, it will be good.

Grim Designs

2008-10-13T10:11:00.009+01:00

The recently-refurbished St. Pancras station in London was designed with the passenger in mind. To make everyone's journeys more enjoyable and relaxing, the building is adorned with aesthetic flourishes, and public art - to keep the rush-hour blues at bay.

To accompany 'The Meeting Place' sculpture, which depicts two unsettlingly androgynous commuters gazing at each other's cheek bones (below), a frieze was commissioned to artist Paul Day - that he might sum up our collective experiences of journeys and travelling in the modern age.

However, that frieze has now had to be halted mid-production and cancelled altogether. Despite having had his designs approved - it appears that the 'powers that be' suddenly had a moment of clarity and realised that artwork portraying passenger death and recent tragedies might not be the most popular choice for station artwork.

I'm inclined to agree with 'the man' this time. While I hope that Mr. Day's art is completed and displayed elsewhere - I can't help but question the mis-steps in logic when they agreed to have it made. Also cast in bronze, part of the piece was to show a view of a railway platform reflected in a pair of sunglasses, with a man standing in front of a train bearing down on him, the grim reaper at the controls. Further parts were to show rescue workers helping the injured out of the tunnels - following the 7/7 attacks on the underground system...

Okay... so you're in a rush to catch your train, you hate travelling like this anyway - dodging the statue in the middle of the lobby, your eyes are drawn to the frieze on the adjacent wall. A scene of death and destruction on the British railway network plays out in front of your eyes. Not only is a man about to be crushed under a train driven by Death himself, but there is a timely reminder that the transport system is a legitimate target for a crazed minority of religious zealots, and no matter how many Brazilians we shoot dead - they may yet return to cause havoc in the future.

I can see why they decided to pull it.

I know that the railway experience shouldn't be mis-represented through this art - but railway suicides and terrorist attacks are (hopefully) isolated incidents which don't fairly represent the modern commuter's experience. If it wants to be true to life, but not depressingly morbid, it should be a frieze of thousands of people paying more and more to be crammed onto fewer and fewer trains, over-heating and being consistently late to work on a daily basis, repeated ad nauseum.

Actually, that is depressingly morbid - i think they should change it back.

BBC story here

Rejoice! A newer, older Bible

2008-10-06T15:26:00.012+01:00

This news is just bloody typical. As if the delusion of religion wasn't complicated enough already, with every Tom, Dick and Ismael putting his own spin on the various tales over millenia, tailoring the doctrines to their requirements, as and when a populace needed controlling and oppressing. They've only gone and pieced together another 'Bible'.

Not only is the 'Codex Sinaiticus' a previously un-translated text, but it actually pre-dates all others - which assumedly places it closer to the time when Jesus was actually knocking about, dithering around on puddles and feeling up cripples. The implications of this are potentially damaging - as some people take this kind of thing quite seriously, and this particular version of the absolute truth is bound to stir up strong feelings and debate.

For a kick off, the passages detailing the events surrounding the resurrection are notably thin on the ground when it comes to the J-man ascending into heaven. Specifically, it doesn't mention it at all - casting doubts over his divine nature, and implying he could have been 'just' a man. This exposes the other popular accounts to scruitiny - particularly troubling for evangelical groups who take it as the literal word of God. If this part of the story turned out to be mere embellishment (not that this fully proves that's the case), and Jesus' divinity is called into question, surely that dismantles the case for believing somewhat...

This kind of thing generally hasn't stopped the rise of dogmatic religions over the centuries though. Frankly, most holy books have plot holes you could drive a truck through - and they're still proving as popular as ever.

Furthermore - the new, old, translation does what Mel Gibson's been trying to do for years, and directly blames the Jews for Jesus' death. At the site of the crucifixion, the 'Epistle of Barnabas' has the Jews cry out 'His blood be upon us' - nobody blaming the Romans at all. New Testament scholar Bart Ehrman goes as far to say that if this version had been in widespread circulation;

"...the suffering of Jews in the subsequent centuries would, if possible, have been even worse" [Prof. Bart Ehrman]

I'm not saying any historical text should ever be suppressed - but then, extreme anti-semitism is no fun at all, and if this new text validates it in any way - it can only be a bad thing.

Mel Gibson will be pleased though.

BBC story here

The Sound of Science

2008-09-24T11:20:00.019+01:00

The difficulty of getting kids to engage with science at a young age is well known. Even with exciting, existence-threatening, experiments like that at CERN (article below), and ethically controversial genetic mutant super-soldiers (maybe) - kids just don't take to it willingly. However, there is one sure-fire method to make any subject matter appear 'hip to the groove', 'rad' and 'bitchin'... pop it in an educational rap.

As Mr T. proved beyond all reasonable doubt - social disobedience is totally lame, and being nice to your mum fucking rules. However, he was only able to convince everyone of this by rapping.

Now, post-graduate student Jonathan Chase has decided to follow in the T's mighty footsteps, and has combined his love of hip-hop with his love of science, culminating in the NASA-commissioned 'Astrobiology Rap'.

Pretty fly right? Kids everywhere are bound to start spitting rhymes like;

"We've been on Earth for many years and we are still producing answers; as time passes, collective knowledge advances" [The Astrobiology Rap]

...Perhaps, but I think Johnathan needs to go all-out to appeal to today's disillusioned 'yoof' - and include more content they can relate to from their daily lives of knife-crime, happy-slaps and unprotected, drunken, under-age sex (ah, to be young and foolish again...). Luckily for him, the wider scientific community, and all humanity - I am offering my services free of charge.

Below is a short preview of my mad skills;

"I discover exoplanets like a G who's pimpin' hoes. Gold-plated radio telescopes - I got twenty five of those. Findin' life, light years away, by flippin' all the switches - my nigga's got a planet that he fills with space-age bitches..."

That's more likely to catch on... plus I'm going to get Dr Hawking to do the robot voices...

"..space-age bitches..."

BBC article here

I'm Still Standing

2008-09-11T09:40:00.005+01:00

Good news everyone! If you're reading this, then those crazy guys at the CERN research institute in Switzerland didn't manage to create a black hole and rub out existence as we know it. Below is a picture of one of the parts of the machine, I don't pretend to know which part of it this is - but I think it's where you load the game cartridge.

I don't really understand the science behind it, but apparently the collision of sub-atomic particles at ridiculously high speeds recreates the conditions present in the universe at the moment of the 'Big Bang' - which some people feared had the potential to generate a black hole. Luckily for us - disaster has so far been averted, and experiments are continuing as normal. Well, as normal as colliding sub-atomic particles has ever been...

Speaking of black holes, I'm visiting my home town this weekend. While Blackpool doesn't have the ability to consume all matter and light - it does rob me of my will to live, and jades all who come within a mile of its' festering streets of plastic-clad hen parties and vomit-lined gutters.

Nice place though...

Branded a Fool

2008-09-09T09:49:00.010+01:00

Whomever decided it was a great idea to have the relatively unknown (in America) Russell Brand as the host for MTV's VMA awards either didn't know what they were doing, or are somewhat ahead of their time in the US. There was no way that they looked into his background, personal or professional, unless they really did want to piss a lot of people off. Whatever MTV's reasoning was, it seems many average Americans were deeply offended by tight-trousers, massive hair, and cheeky political observations.

I say political observations, he actually called George Bush a 'retarded cowboy' - positing that Dubya wouldn't be left alone with a pair of scissors in Britain, let alone stewardship over a global super-power. True as that may be, the general press and people of America weren't overly impressed with our Russ' outbursts - as he continuously lay into the teeny-bopping, virginity-loving boyband known as 'The Jonas Brothers'.

Religion sells in the US - whether it be for records, books, or votes - one of the easiest ways to achieve success in that country is to allude to your personal relationship with your imaginary friend. 'The Jonas Brothers' know this very well and, in order to secure their God-fearing fanbase, openly advertise their purity and piety by wearing 'chastity rings'. Chastity rings, (produced by companies heavily subsidised by the Bush administration) are the symbol of a commitment to abstain from sexual congress before marriage, and are seriously, seriously gay.

It was all too much for Brand, who is famed for his promiscuity, to have these guys prancing around taking pride in their purity. He directed a number of jokes at them, implying that they would have the shit kicked out of them in Britain for behaving like that, and he's right - they would.

Apparently, this didn't go down too well across the States. Instantly, internet message-boards were flooded with complaints (conducted with varying degrees of inarticulacy), vehemently opposing the anti-Bush, pro-bush (giggidy..) comedian;

"WTF! I wish i could kick his f***a$ right in his nuts! leave the jb the F*** alone. WOW dude who is he? i dont even know who you r! stop bringing these oversea ppl over here who dont know ish about us!!!!" dabuddafly

"this guy is effin retarted making his comment about the voting **** no i dont think so. he's f****** british i dont have ne thing against them but why would he have a say in our politics.and the jonas brothers??? dude i have a promise ring from my dad and i took that a little irritable. b****" shinyhiny

And so on...

I can't really understand the above comments, perhaps English is only their second language, but judging by the number of asterisks - I believe they're quite cross.

It is perhaps a testament to American hypocrisy then, that they found Russell so objectionable. The attitude that no foreigner can have an interest or even valid comment on their political systems or prospective presidents is obscene when you consider the very specific interest the US has in the political systems of countries like Afghanistan and Iraq.

Furthermore, in a country that spends more per year on pornography than the global debt of most African nations - sex and sexuality is still oddly a very divisive and controversial topic, and they act so outwardly prudish about it. Just think back to the uproar surrounding the semi-reveal of Janet Jackson's breast at the super bowl - you'd think she'd fellated a goat on stage. Oh sure, bomb defenseless countries, sell guns to anyone that wants one and never introduce universal healh care - that's fine. Show a part of a boobie? That's just wrong, you're sick.

Maniacs, god damn maniacs.

Disaster Movie

2008-09-03T12:08:00.008+01:00

The long and dusty road of cinematic history is littered with the huge number of bad ideas which have somehow slipped under the radar over the years. Whether it be down to direction, acting, scripting, or a combination of factors - some films are just bad, and are remembered as such forever. Whatever the reasons behind producing such tripe in the first place - we usually assume that it's all part of a learning process for any film-maker. Make something terrible, and surely the only way is up...

However, there seems to be a trend at the moment for actively and willingly making awful films with reckless abandon. It must be proving lucrative, there is simply no other reason to keep churning out such drivel. I'm thinking very specifically about Jason Friedberd and Aaron Seltzer - the partnership who brought you such prolific arse-gravy as 'Epic Movie', 'Date Movie' and 'Meet The Spartans'. These are the guys who Josh Levin, a critic at Slate.com, described as 'evildoers, charlatans, and symbols of Western civilisation's decline'. So, not popular guys - but still, an apparently endless pot of money seems to be a their disposal to continue with their 'work'.

Their most recent foray into thoughtless nonsense is the aptly titled 'Disaster Movie', which one would naturally assume is an attempt to lampoon the genre of disaster-based films. Apparently not - these masters of their art have elected to bypass spoof convention, as 'Disaster Movie' carries only a very tenuous link to the genre and focuses mainly on uninformed, vague one-liners and pop-culture references. Focusing on this summer's hit films and various celebrities-du-jour, this artistic equivalent of offal mixed in dog shit falls flat on every possible level.

The hopeless references of anything current, not backed up with decent jokes or even semi-competent writing are obvious from the trailer alone. A pregnant 'Juno' kicks a man playing Sarah Jessica Parker in the face a la 'You don't mess with the Zohan' - and it raises not even a titter. Other trailer highlights (remembering the trailer is normally the most effective way to sell the film) include: a cow falling on 'Iron Man's head, 'The Hulk's pants falling off and him getting embarrassed, a Disney 'princess' being run over by a car, 'Hancock' flying drunk and hitting his head on a lamp-post, and for some unknown reason a sabre-toothed 'Amy Winehouse' apparently just being drunk (see top left of below poster)...

I ask you, doesn't the movie-going public deserve more? It was put to me that as people get the governments they deserve, so they get the films they deserve - if the market wasn't there, it just wouldn't happen. I beg to differ however - judging by the speed at which these films are thrown up (Disaster movie attempts to parody films released in the same summer), there can be very little attention to the market, next to no quality control with regards to content, and simply not enough time to write good material - hence the reliance on hilarious bodily functions and aimless 'celebrity' appearances.

It is my humble opinion that films such as these should be blacklisted, and anyone who would voluntarily choose to watch them be vetted and tested - for they may be criminally insane. I'm against censorship in general - but I'm very willing to make an exception here. I believe there is a layer of hell reserved for mass murderers, rapists, Jason Friedberd and Aaron Seltzer - wherein they are made to watch 'Meet the Spartans' and 'Disaster Movie' back to back for all eternity.

Never watch this film - it will erode your soul and a piece of you will die with evey passing second.

If you must - view the trailer and read Empire's damning review here.

Moral Fibre

2008-08-21T11:29:00.012+01:00

It may be observed that I am a cantankerous young man. However, it is with good reason that my bitter opinion pollutes these pages. In anticipation of prolonged periods of self-inflicted misery in later life, I have taken the progressive decision to bypass the years of ignorant bliss and settle down into the comfy armchair of contempt, long before my time was due. It is with this in mind that I offload the sourest of my grapes here..

One of the things that most irritates me about Britain today is the wasting of vast amounts of money, time, and materials - used solely to perpetuate a culture which tolerates the daily publication and broadcast of huge amounts of nonsense.

Inanity is very big business these days, the more the public seems interested in trivialities - the more, it seems, become newsworthy. Indeed, cheap magazines and certain tabloid publications positively thrive on capturing the imagination of the deluded masses. Publishing, as they do, the mundane escapades of the mildly famous - no matter how pointless or boring they might seem to the sane mind.

This morning's front pages reveal a common trend. For those of you unfortunate enough to know - 'Nicole' from Big Brother 9 here in Britain has been voted out of the house. She was in there for about 3 weeks I think, and so is a 'celebrity' in the very loosest sense. The Daily Star are running as their full front-page story 'Nicole: Boobs will make me £1m', accompanied by a picture of this astonishingly plain young woman in her underwear. The tagline 'Bidding war for Big Bro girl to go TOPLESS' reveals the focus of the story - meaning, happily, I don't have to subject myself to an article arranged by 6-year-olds.

It seems abhorrent to me then, as this morning (amongst other important news); the successful GB Olympic team returned home, a baby is in a critical condition after being shot with an airgun, a motorway pile-up on the M4 has injured many people, Mugabe opens the Zimbabwean assembly, police were attacked with petrol bombs in Northern Ireland, etc, etc...

To overlook every one of these stories, and place ahead of them in importance (as is the purpose of the front page) 'news' of how a 19 year old girl of limited intelligence, who you may or may not have heard of, is courting bids of varying values to have her photograph taken half naked, sickens me to the core of my consciousness and threatens to unseat my reason.

I don't even know what I find more depressing, the fact that this is printed as front-page news, or the implication that enough people find it interesting enough to make it so. To add further insult to injury, the 'story' itself made me do a little sick in my mouth. This utterly pointless girl is to receive reimbursement the like of which I'll never see, simply for revealing some square inches of flesh.

I can't blame her, there's literally no other way that she would have people interested in her any more otherwise. No, I place blame squarely on the culture that permits, nay encourages, this kind of thing as newsworthy.

The tabloid press has long been responsible for nurturing a culture of gossip and nonsense, and yet they are not the ones I hold most at fault. Over recent years, the market for weekly magazines peddling the inane details of celebrity life, supplemented by the depths of human depravity, appears to have exploded to the point of saturation. If they were only fashion magazines, or lifestyle guides - I would perhaps be able to stomach them, but it's the unrelenting stream of gossip and hearsay concerned with persons of very little consequence that truly grates my cheese.

Gossip is a very natural thing, it is one of the reasons most people find their working lives bearable. It's always fun to be privy to a secret, or bitch about people you don't like. However, I draw the line at this kind of public gossip. For one, when everyone in the world potentially has access to it - it's not gossip. Secondly, when the 'gossip' concerns someone you have never met and are never likely to meet - where's the fun? I can make stuff up about people I've never met if I want, and never fear reprisal. Am I the only one who doesn't care a jot about Britney's kids or waistline? Peaches' nights out or drug habits? A WAG's clothes or diet?

Apparently, Vanessa Feltz lost however many stone to get married recently. I know this as I suffered the misfortune of glancing over some magazines whilst waiting in a queue. I ask you though, really - who cares? She's an irritating bitch and should not be encouraged to wade into the public domain at any juncture. Supporting her 'fame' by revealing how she managed to finally say no to that third chocolate eclair at breakfast is tragic beyond compare. Don't you see? She's getting paid to tell us how she was fat, and now is marginally less fat - but she's still fucking fat.

I shouldn't have started on Feltz, I'll only wind myself up - I can pin many of societies ills on her. There's a lot of room to pin things.

Until society can turn round and reject this nonsense, I forsee it prevailling. The cult of celebrity has been so diluted now, that anyone who has spent the briefest of moments in the public eye is worth photographing and documenting as they pick their nose, buy take-away, or lose a fraction of their weight. These people are so hungry for exposure, they'll continue to clamour for our attentions for years. The only way to stop them is by withdrawing that attention, and one day maybe we'll live in a world that doesn't care about following the exploits of an over-exposed minority, and will turn to those who really need our attention and help. Until that day, I'll continue my fight against the sources of inanity, the delusion of celebrity, and Vanessa Feltz - the fat bitch.

Crowe to play Hicks? Yikes...

2008-08-19T09:59:00.009+01:00

Bill Hicks was one of stand-up comedy's brightest stars. In his brief performing life, he inspired a generation of young comedians, battled and overcame addiction to drink and drugs, and tragically died after developing cancer aged 32. If you haven't had the pleasure of watching one of his performances, seek some on Youtube and then read on...

Effortlessly funny, his humour grounded in furious satire and cutting observation - he rightfully earned his place in the hearts of many as one of the finest and most influential comedians ever to take to the stage. His performances were gripping, his legacy is incalculable.

So, for fans, a biopic film was always going to raise strong opinions - some would see his own work as enough to remember him by, others might relish the chance to relive some of his moments, on stage and off. With careful casting and direction, it could prove a fitting and entertaining tribute to a comedy giant - with less care, it could prove disastrous.

Sadly, the biopic in production seems to already be veering towards the latter - casting in the role of this iconic, intelligent, troubled man, everyone's favourite gruff, bland, angry Australian - Russell Crowe.

A short word about Russell Crowe: No

A long word about Russell Crowe: Unconscionable

Basically, this is a terrible piece of casting for the proposed project - Crowe has never delivered a convincing comedic performance to my knowledge, and considering Hick's status as one of the best-loved cult icons and comedians of modern times, his performance will be thoroughly scruitinised to say the least.

Obviously, the film wouldn't simply follow his stand-up, and 'real' acting will be required for a lot of it - but it will have to be a big performance and I just don't know if Crowe's got it in him. Besides this, there will be times when comic timing and natural wit will need to be conveyed - and Russell Crowe is not a funny man. Russell Crowe is a hairy, violent man.

I just have a bad feeling they'll be messing with something that's too important to a lot of people in doing this. Maybe I'm wrong, but this is my gut feeling, and I imagine a large proportion of Hick's fans would agree.

Bill Hicks

Big Prick

Snoop Bolly Dogg

2008-08-08T16:14:00.004+01:00

After such prophetic outbursts as 'bitches aint shit', and 'I got bitches in the living room gettin it on (and they aint leavin' til six in the mornin')' - it was only natural that the Doggfather diversify and make his debut in the highly respectable and at times downright prudish world of Bollywood.

It's all true - the makers of the upcoming romantic comedy 'Singh is King' paid out good money for the dope-smoking, gun-toting, banned-from-several-countries-for-weapons-and-narcotics-offences rap star so he would record the title track to the movie.

A mix of Hindi, English, Punjabi and Shiiit - the track is massively popular in India, so much so that the Dogg is planning a tour there:

"Snoop Dogg has a lot of fans in India and I love 'em right back," he said. "Get ready for me."

Fo' sho' dogg, fo' sho...

BBCizzle Shizzle Hizzle

Holy shit...

2008-07-29T14:34:00.027+01:00

People see significance everywhere they look - it's only human. For some, horoscopes ring perfectly true - for others, the name of their lover is whispered on the breeze, or carried in birdsong, and those blinded by faith see significance in many things, especially if it supports or reinforces their beliefs.

Recent findings in Nigeria (see below) of the word 'Allah' written in Arabic inside the gristle of a piece of beef lead to local believer's proclaiming it a sign that Islam is the one true faith. That seemed a little presumptuous to me and, my interest piqued, I set about trying to discover what must plainly be the one true faith - based solely on mysterious appearances.

Allah's got beef

Jesus is always popping up to say hello, the crafty bugger. It's like he never left. The world is practically littered with his image, which is good going for someone who didn't have the Internet. I don't know if it's the studentesque long hair and goatee combo, but his face seems to seep, grow and emerge from nearly anything.

Chapati Jesus, Woody Jesus, Bloody Jesus

Aside from the fact that we don't really know what Jesus looked like - his popular image stemming from the various interpretations of a hairy, hippie guy over the ages - these three don't even really look like the accepted guesstimate. The Chapati incarnation looks like Charles Bronson (or Charles Darwin), the guy on the plaster looks more like Charles Manson and the woodgrain Jesus doesn't even look human, let alone anyone called Charles.

Woody Jesus appeared on a church pew during some renovations - and if we accept that God created man in his own form, and that Jesus is God in human form, based on this image - God is a cross-eyed gimp with a gaping oval-shaped mouth and a receding centre-parting. I'm not saying that looks are everything, but if I were omnipotent - I'd at least try to create my own son to look half-decent.

Jostling for a bit of the limelight is Jesus's mum - proving ever popular with Catholics and orthodox Christians everywhere, she pops up just as much as her famous son, her slumped silhouette seems imitable in most mediums;

Turtle belly Virgin, Motorway Mary, She's on toast

Again, pretty crap really. The turtle's belly is okay I suppose - but with no other turtle bellies to compare it with, I don't know if this isn't just the industry standard. The piece of toasted sandwich recently sold to a casino for about £14,000 - which is insane for something that technically went wrong. At the time, I bet they were gutted about burning their sandwich. Don't even get me started on that stain in the middle though. It's surrounded by candles and flowers and people praying - and it's under a motorway bridge, it's clearly where a tramp has pissed. Honestly, I've seen skidmarks more divine. One even had sweetcorn eyes and a red pepper smile.

Islam arguably has it harder when it comes to spotting divine images occuring in the world. Since images of Allah and the prophet are forbidden by Islamic law, it is the very word of God which should be sought. This isn't always a problem though, as we discovered with the beef gristle, since flowing Arabic text is far easier imitated in nature than the rigid characters of the greek alphabet;

I can't read Arabic, so I'll have to take these on face value. Apparenlty - this goat, cactus, and cloud all spell out God's name in Arabic, just like the beef did. I take issue with this though - to an unbiased onlooker who has no grasp of Arabic, but an extensive grasp of pattern and shape recognition - none of the above 'signs' resemble each other in anything but the loosest terms. In fact, unless you're really searching for it - they just look like an ordinary goat, cactus and cloud to me. It's like the Elton John lyric from 'candle in the wind' "...and the stars spell out your name..." Well, yes - technically they do, but they also spell 'Hitler', 'Mugabe' or 'Orlando Bloom' if you want them to.

Lastly, an entry for the Hindus which would be doubly divine if it weren't so obviously photoshopped - this cow appears to have the Hindu 'Om' symbol (the funny 3) on it's flank, but is so obiviously faked. Poor show, Hindus.

Holy Cow

In conclusion, I'm pretty sure that anything can be found anywhere if you will it to be there, and the world is full of people who are willing to believe they have seen anything that justifies what they already believe. Take the above examples - it's not like any of the Virgin Mary images were found by a Muslim who then became a bit worried - nor did any Jew find 'Allah' on his goat or in his garden - so as a method of proof, it is a little flawed. Even if every one of the above 'miracles' were faked - they would still be as (un)believable as they are as 'real', because the people who proclaim them miracles, are the people who already believe in miracles - specific to their faith. Religion puts blinkers on people - but I can't blame them for that. If I were to read about God every day, I'm sure I'd start to see his image or work everywhere I looked.

The truth is, I don't read about God every day. I read Playboy every day - and as a result I see boobies everywhere. The difference is, boobies are real - you can see them, you can feel them, you can touch them. The problem is, the police are also real, as are restrainig orders and the sex offenders register.

Life is so complicated sometimes.

Bush admits hangover

2008-07-24T16:50:00.009+01:00

I can't respect George W. Bush, I have literally no reason to. Even aside from all the stuff he's done, casting the Middle-East further and further into bloody turmoil, lying about the motivation to go to war in Iraq, not being willing to sign up to carbon emission reducing deals, or his lacklustre approach to dealing with natural disasters in his own country - even if I forgave all of this, I would still hate the man.

The fact is - to be a good president, you don't have to be good at everything - that would be impossible. However, you should be good at something, and your oratory skills should be one of your priorities. If the people aren't going to like what you say, you can at least be sure they'll like the way you're saying it.

'Dubya' has never seen fit to participate in open-question press conferences - for the simple reason that he doesn't even see fit to participate in the English language. His limp grasp of linguistics is complimented by his even limper grasp of anything to do with running the world's last superpower.

In the closing months of his presidency, one would think he should be exercising damage-limitation - on the off chance that he might not be remembered for being the monumental idiot that he appears to be. But no, with under six months to go he's still going strong. At a recent political fundraiser in Texas (after asking that every piece of recording equipment be turned off - which didn't happen, hence the quote), he expertly explained the complexities of the contributors to, and implications of, the global economic downturn;

"Wall Street got drunk. It got drunk and now it's got a hangover. The question is, how long will it sober up and not try to do all these fancy financial instruments?"

Perhaps it's my lack of knowledge in economics, but I don't think this really makes sense. As analogies go, not only it it pretty vague - but totally nonsensical. Patronising too, to the American people who think the president should be accountable for what happens in their country - or at least be able to answer questions on what's happening.

It's just another inarticulate display of incompetency from the world's most powerful man - nothing to worry about. Seriously though, after 8 years in office - you would have thought he'd have picked up a few things by now. That's like saying Iraq 'got a poorly tummy' or that Hurricane Katrina victims are 'under the weather' (cruel pun accidental, but I'm leaving it in).

Mr Bush, you may not understand the intricacies of Sesame Street, let alone Wall Street, but to pretend that you do, and to explain it by making up nonsense, is an insult to your position and an insult to the American people. Now please, please - fuck off.

What's in a name?

2008-07-24T09:44:00.006+01:00

A New Zealand judge has made a nine-year-old girl a 'ward of court', in order to change the name her parents gave her at birth - arguing that the name; 'Talula does the Hula from Hawaii' could potentially expose the girl to teasing, and hold her back socially.

I'm inclined to agree. I know New Zealand's a relatively quiet place, but if the only fun you can have is dreaming up crazy names for your kids and render them social outcasts, you must be pretty bored. Or drunk.

The judge highlighted what he sees as a damaging trend of outlandish names to emerge in the country recently. Examples of names deemed too crazy, and therefore blocked by officials, are; 'Sex Fruit', 'Keenan got Lucy' and 'Yeah Detroit'. However, names slipping through the cracks and destroying children's lives have been; 'Midnight Chardonnay', 'Number 16 Bus Shelter', 'Benson and Hedges' (twins) - and even simply 'Violence'.

A mixed bag there. Obviously I'd be gutted if I was called 'Number 16 bus shelter', especially if it's following the trend of naming kids after their place of conception. But 'Violence' is an awesome name, and one I've added to the list of what I might call my first born son. It joins 'Slash', 'Wolverine', and 'Hercules Rembrandt-Einstein Skywalker'. He's going to be a very lucky boy.

BBC news story here.

Bring The Payne

2008-07-15T12:28:00.004+01:00

Game-to-film conversions rarely work. Think of Resident Evil, DOOM, Street Figher, Mortal Combat, Dead or Alive - to be honest, I could go on for a long time. Certain games, however, are of such quality and cinematic direction in the first place, that a film conversion seems the most natural progression. Max Payne is one such game - and today I bring you the trailer.

Both Max Payne games were brilliantly written and directed, to the point that it felt you were playing a gothic 'film noir'. I wouldn't have chosen Mark Wahlberg for the role perhaps, but I wouldn't have had chance, not being a casting director at a major film studio. Not yet anyway.

See the trailer below, plus a promotional poster above, which pretty much looks like a still from the game. Pretty cool...

'The Wag's Diary' - Chick Lit Review

2008-07-14T10:04:00.005+01:00

You'll be pleased to hear, I am a feminist. That's right - I love bitches. However, there a few things in this world that I find more depressing and irritating than the female-directed literary phenomenon known as 'chick-lit'.

As far as I understand it - 'chick-lit' books are, by and large, aimed at modern young women - disenfranchised with the wider state of literature and hungry for contemporary reading material, which focus on the issues that really matter to them. You know, issues women care about - like shoes, designer sunglasses, 'WAG's', and some bloke called Jimmy Choo. Basically, the attainment of status through constant and unrelenting procurement of overpriced clothing and footwear - and the perception that this is an acceptable way to live one's life.

'The Wag's diary' is one such book. Given away free with Glamour magazine, it is truly a tome for the ages, a towering behemoth of literary achievement, that will surely stand the test of time to be remembered for eternity alongside it's peers in the marbled halls of enlightened thought.

I'll be the judge of that.

The brief on the back of the book sets the tone perfectly for what promises to be a inspiring read, competently dealing with all the issues a WAG might have to face. The opening gambit is particularly engaging:

"Tracie Martin is Luton Town's longest serving WAG. For 12 years, team captain husband Dean has kept her in acrylic nails, UGG boots and Juicy Couture"

Pow! And the precedent is set - such a dynamic multi-layered main protagonist will surely not disappoint, facing inner conflict and embarking on her journey of self-discovery. As we observe further down the page:

"...there's a new breed of WAG's at LTFC who aren't quite playing by the rules. Wagdom is in crisis! To add insult to injury, Tracie's daughter Paskia-Rose is more interested in the offside rule than shopping. What is a WAG to do?"

Wagdom in crisis? Oh the inhumanity! And to think this Uber-Wag could spawn a child with less than a passing interest in mindless consumerism is frankly disgraceful...

Of course, I jest.

This kind of literature is quite frankly the most morally repugnant work released into the public domain since the racial smear campaigns of Nazi propaganda. I feel nothing but the sourest contempt and indignation simply for the fact that this drivel is published, and furthermore that someone makes money from it. It holds up the values of an ignorant, deluded, and privileged minority as an example for aspiring young women, and patronises them to a degree that would turn Emmeline Pankhurst in her grave.

Today's society lauds WAGs as independent women and great achievers, which confounds me beyond belief. The so-called 'achievement' they are praised for boils down to a simple case of 'augmenting' their bodies, dressing provocatively, and straightening their hair to attract a suitably wealthy footballer boyfriend, in order to live in the lap of luxury and have no career of their own beyond what they can launch from their new position in 'high' society. To give young, impressionable women the idea that this is not only acceptable, but to be encouraged - is damaging to say the least.

Oh they'll tell you that using their looks to get ahead in life is neo-feminist, but only because they want to make themselves feel better. The truth is, they are fully submitting to the will of a (still) patriarchal society, and proclaiming themselves totally devoid of individuality, character and independence - simply because they want to drive Land-Rovers and wear velour tracksuits. As 'The WAG's diary' reinforces within it's first paragraph:

"I'm sitting in my gleaming, mud-free, furiously expensive Land Rover (exactly the same model as Victoria Beckhams...yeeeeessssss....it took me ages to find and cost me more than a row of houses in most towns would)..."

Quite. Not being a woman, I don't know for sure - but I personally feel offended by this. This book is clearly not aimed at men, so what is the author saying about women today? Further in the passage, 'Tracie' resorts to unashamedly fluttering her eyelashes to persuade a young man to let her pass in her car - as if the unabashed idolisation of brand names and material wealth wasn't bad enough...

I'll be honest, this is arguably an unfair review - I have only dipped into various pages of 'The WAG's diary', and read the blurb on the back, but I feel I know enough about the general direction of the text to shower it with my scorn. I hope that I am vastly wrong - I fear that I am not.

The icing on the cake though, has to be the book's cover. Adorned with pictures of bags and shoes over diary entries that read as insightfully as 'shopping' and 'hair extensions'. It's all topped off with a glowing review - from the magazine that's giving it away. That pretty much says it all.

Have some dignity, for pity's sake.

'Man' gives birth to baby girl

2008-07-04T09:56:00.008+01:00

This story has been covered extensively, but it's finally come to an end as Mr Thomas Beatie of Hawaii (legally male) has given birth to a baby girl. He's basically a woman with a beard and a flat chest. I don't really understand how he's legally male when he still has a vagina and can clearly fall pregnant - and, technically if not legally, guys can't do that. Saying that though - that implies that what defines us is found between our legs - and if that's the case then I'm a 10 year old boy (only joking, I actually have to wrap it round my thigh).

Anyway, what bugs me most about this story is the fact that he has a wife he's been married to for 4 years. She is a woman, a real one, she could have been artificially inseminated just as easily as he was, and would now be producing breast milk, essential to a child's early development. This child will now have to grow up without that benefit - and eventually will learn that she is essentially a PR stunt.

I suppose that's what galls me so much - if all they wanted was a child and not the media circus, appearances on Oprah, and the financial benefits of being the first 'man' pregnant - then his wife could have had the child and it would have passed unnoticed. The fact is, Mr Thomas Beatie wanted to be the world's first pregnant man. Well I have a message for Mr Beatie - MEN CAN'T GET PREGNANT.

Let me break it down for you logically:

A man can't get pregnant. Mr Beatie got pregnant. Ergo, Mr Beatie is not a man.

So there you are, another woman has had a baby - hardly news at all. Albeit a woman with a beard - but I see women with beards all the time, they're from Eastern Europe. I hope the world loses all interest in this pointless charade and comes to realise that only one man has the right to be pregnant, but he's too busy governing California.

BBC coverage of story here.

Big Ideas

2008-06-26T09:33:00.005+01:00

In honour of the upcoming Radiohead gig I'm going to on Sunday (excited), here is 'Nude' (from the new album In Rainbows), recreated totally on old computer parts. It was done as a project by Glasgow art student James Houston, and I think it's pretty cool. Especially the scanner playing bass. Skip to about 1:00 to miss out an introduction of brain-eroding static, unless you're into that kind of thing.

Big Ideas (don't get any) from James Houston on Vimeo.

Syndromania

2008-06-25T09:19:00.007+01:00

I'm a man of the world (in that I exist on Earth) - and I've always had a curiosity for anything out of the ordinary. This week, my Internet travels have brought me into contact with the various syndromes that make the world a more interesting and slightly more confusing place to live. I shall recount my 2 favourites here;

Paris Syndrome.

Almost exclusively affecting Japanese tourists and nationals when visiting Paris. The 'syndrome de Paris' is a bizarre condition where people suffer a temporary mental breakdown on visiting the fair city. Triggered by the vast language barrier, stark cultural differences, exhaustion from the journey and the realisation that the reality of Paris doesn't live up to an idealised preconception - sufferers break down in hysterics, giddiness and shortness of breath. Luckily, the symptoms are short-lived and not threatening to future mental health. God forbid they ever come to Blackpool. Unless they've heard it's a god-forsaken shithole, in which case they'll be well prepared.

Foreign Accent Syndrome

Occurring in people after some kind of brain damage, 'FAS' results in the individual speaking their native language in a foreign accent. There have been loads of reported cases and reputable studies to confirm it is a genuine condition, arising when the part of the brain relating to linguistics is damaged. One of the most recent examples is one of a 60 year old woman from Newcastle, who lost her Geordie and began speaking English in an 'Eastern European' accent following a stroke. She even went on Richard and Judy to talk about it, so it must be true.

Strange but true: The entire cast of the TV sitcom 'Allo Allo' suffered from FAS. Especially the policeman.

good moaning

Ong Bak 2

2008-06-19T09:08:00.001+01:00

For them that don't know, 'Ong Bak' is a marital arts film featuring the physically insane Tony Jaa. This kid is mental, he can pretty much do anything - and this results in some of the best marital arts sequences of all time. The film is notable for not using stunt doubles, wires, crash mats or any kind of safety equipment - with Jaa able to pull off moves that I can only manage after a few pints and some encouragement.

The good news is - it looks like they've made an 'Ong Bak 2'. It has nothing to do with the first film and, based on the trailer (below), seems to have some knid of quasi-historical setting.

The first film had a terrible script, and even worse dialogue - but was carried by the strength of the action sequences. I hope the second one is very similar - it could be a silent film for all I care, the physical poetry of smashing someone in the face with your knees is enough for me.

Check out the trailer, and be excited:

Call Of Duty V - looking good

2008-06-18T14:14:00.005+01:00

'Call of Duty IV: Modern Warfare' was a massive hit on PS3 and Xbox360, acclaimed by many as the most complete and playable FPS experience to date. Clearly, another 'COD' was going to be in development.

No details were supposed to be publicly available yet - but a few screenshots of 'COD V: World at War' have been leaked from an official source and are now circulating online. From first impressions, it seems to be based around the Pacific conflict of WW2, or at least a jungle-based scenario. One of the below screenshots even shows a soldier wielding a katana or samurai sword, looks tasty.

More screenshots here.

Dead Man Working

2008-06-18T12:40:00.005+01:00

The good people of the Romanian village of Voinesti have remained inexplicably loyal to their favourite mayoral candidate, re-electing him into the job he had held for almost two decades - despite the apparently minor drawback of his recent death. Neculai Ivascu remains in power, even after dying from liver disease in the week before the voting commenced.

After the election, one villager stated, "I know he died, but I don't want change".

Despite receiving 23 more votes than his living opposition, in the end - the win was controversially granted to the runner up, Gheorghe Dobrescu. This decision is being contested by members of Ivascu's party who still want to claim the victory.

BBC story here

Romanian bloke here:

Diamonds are an idiot's best friend

2008-06-10T14:07:00.010+01:00

There is probably no object in the world that you can't make a billion times better by encrusting it with diamonds. This is certainly what the rich and stupid seem to believe, endlessly ordering customised gadgets and gizmos to satisfy their ludicrous taste for blingy things. I have no such tastes, but I do harbour a sneaking admiration for the sheer pointlessness and disgraceful wastefulness of covering otherwise ordinary items in diamonds.

Here are my top 3 preciousess, all which are actually available to buy in the real world...mental...

...Because nothings says 'I'm a twat' better than driving a Mercedes coated with diamonds. Never mind getting your bonnet ornament stolen, they'd nick the whole bloody thing.

After eating a handsome meal of veal-stuffed swan with a side of gold-leafed parsnips,where better to evacuate your bowels than this lovely encrusted throne? You have to get Andrex if you have this bad boy though - you'd never get away with smart-price bog roll again.

Of all the diamond-encrusted monstrosities - this is the most monstrous. Having said that, it's also the one I'd seriously most like to own. Damien Hirst's 'For the love of God' is a cast of a human skull in platinum, studded with hundreds of real diamonds, with a centre-piece stone on the forehead reportedly worth about £2m in itself. Not a widely available piece, admittedly - it recently sold to a private buyer for around £50m. The value of the raw materials is reputedly only half that - meaning that Damien Hirst's input is worth about £25m itself. I'd never get him to make me a sandwich. Sure, it's worth about 30 pence, but it's a Hirst...

Jamie Hewlett to illustrate Olympiad

2008-06-02T12:04:00.008+01:00

The furore over the design for the 2012 London Olympic's logo (below) was well documented. It cost a lot of money, so we're stuck with it now. I'm not saying it's terrible, but frankly I could have done a better job of designing one while suspended upside-down, with both my legs on fire, vomiting the various paints onto an easel.

However, at least the BBC has done the right thing, and has enlisted Jamie Hewlett to illustrate the opening titles for their coverage of the 2008 Beijing games. For those who don't know, he's the guy who draws the cult comic series 'Tank Girl', but is probably now better known for his work with the 'pretend-but-actually-real-and-quite-good' cartoon band 'Gorillaz'. The characters below represent the well-known Chinese folk myth, turned tv series (and more recently opera - arranged by Damon Albarn and designed by Jamie Hewlett) - 'Monkey - Journey to the West'.

It's just a shame that such foresight was used for branding China's Olympiad and not our own. We will remember this summer's games coverage for featuring one of Britain's best contemporary artists, while the London games' logo will go down in history as one of the worst design choices ever made. Such is life.

Cheese roll anyone?

2008-05-28T09:26:00.003+01:00

Bodies and flailing limbs fall down a muddy hillside. Medics are on hand and a 19-year old local is stretchered off with an oxygen mask strapped to his face. The torrential rain is causing more and more accidents and making it harder for the emergency services to reach the injured.

It's a great family day out.

Held for 200 years at Cooper's Hill in Gloucestershire, people still feel compelled to chase a large double gloucester down a ridiculously steep gradient (1:1 in places), with the prospect of winning a cheese of their very own. This year's winner was the guy who needed to be stretchered off - after hurting his back on his final backflip. Luckily, he didn't need to be taken to hospital and will return next year to chase the cheese again. God bless him.

London Tube Extends To New York

2008-05-23T15:02:00.006+01:00

The 'Telectroscope' is (according to its official website) a 'secret' tunnel under the Atlantic which links the cities of London and New York.

Now, after being closed for many years - the tunnel is finally finished and using an elaborate system of mirrors, people by Tower Bridge in London and Brooklyn Bridge in New York are able to see each other in real-time, on large circular screens.

Whether you believe this, or believe that it's done with fibre-optics is up to you. I don't really care, I think it's pretty awesome either way and if all it achieves is that English kids can flick the V's at Americans then that's a great achievement for Trans-Atlantic relationships.

The tube under 'construction'

Read the BBC article here.

Terminator sequels announced

2008-05-21T12:26:00.003+01:00

Christian Bale (Batman Begins, American Psycho etc..) is signed up to make up to three Terminator sequels, in the role of John Connor, based in the future world where the war between humans and robots is in full swing. This is awesome news, not only is that the most interesting part of Terminator (despite it never being seen fully), and the technology is now in place to realise it impressively, but Bale will certainly bring an air of credibility to the project - as he has with the Batman franchise of late.

Of course there's the expected speculation whether or not the 'Governator' (Arnie) will be involved, but I personally hope that he won't be. In the same way that the most recent Batman films have breathed a new life into an old series, a similar approach should be taken here. The fact that the future in Terminator was never really seen, leaves the story very much open for rejuvenation. Awesome.

MP fears womb

2008-05-21T09:38:00.008+01:00

In a week when MP's have had to vote on the legal status of the creation of human/animal hybrid embryos for use in research, and the proposed shortening of the legal abortion time limit, the morally outraged of Britain have had plenty to get red in the face about. Conservative MP's in particular are being vocal in opposing the revised terms of the human fertilisation and embryology bill, assumedly hoping to capitalise on Labour's recent downturn in popularity, and secure voters from the disenfranchised masses.

Soundbites are in no short supply around times of increased political attention, especially amongst the rabble-rousers. There's nothing quite like an uninformed generalisation to sway the unthinking finger-waggers to your cause. To this end, Conservative MP Edward Leigh has come up with a classic line to boil blood country-wide;

"In modern Britain, the most dangerous place to be is in your mother's womb. It should be a place of sanctity"

Hold on. Maybe I can afford to be blase about it, since I escaped that dangerous place a long time ago - but I'm pretty sure if we were to make a chart of the most dangerous places in modern Britain, wombs wouldn't feature too near the top 10. I'd personally feel more at risk in a pillow fight, or at a tickling competition.

This only applies to unborn foetuses too - since people can't fit into wombs once they've left one (a good job really since they're so dangerous). But even with the option of abortion available, a foetus is far more at risk in a shoe box under the bed, or sellotaped to the inside of a fridge. In fact, weighing it up, a mother's womb is still the safest place for one to be - since that's where they gestate.

Obviously, I get what he's saying. My issue is with how he's saying it. Why these supposedly educated men and women so frequently resort to scare-tactic, misinforming hyperbole is beyond me. If you can't win over a population with frank, honest debate - the message seems to be, become a politician.

What a tool.

Holy Cow

2008-05-20T10:42:00.004+01:00

Cows are big. This is self evident because of their size. This cow though, this cow is massive;

That's not even a midget next to the cow either, I think it's about 6'7" to it's shoulder. That's a lot of mince.

Indy Gets Whipped

2008-05-20T09:30:00.003+01:00

'Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull' is released this week, to great anticipation from faithful fans of the arrow-dodging, whip-cracking university lecturer. With any cinematic property as cherished as this franchise, the reviews were always going to be on the critical side (not to mention the fact that George Lucas is involved in reviving a classic trilogy).

However, Indy for the most part has received mixed reviews. Leaked previews were particularly damning - one disgruntled viewer describes; 'A wearying onslaught of action and effects'. After the Cannes release though, the reliable sources seem to have been even-handed in dealing with the fourth installment of the popular series - the general message being not to expect a masterpiece, just a fun piece of action cinema.

I think it's important to remember that films have changed since Indiana went on his last crusade, and I personally hope that this film will harken back to the days when all an audience wanted was overblown action, cracking one-liners, and maybe a tribe chasing the hero through a jungle. I'm looking forward to it.

Guitar Hero

2008-05-19T15:35:00.005+01:00

Peter McGilton is a man with a dream. That dream is to create guitars that look like they were designed by God, carved by Jesus and tuned up by Mohammed - just so Satan can rock out on them before smashing them into the face of a robot who was sent back through time to steal the past. Possibly.

His 'exotic guitars' are fully functioning instruments, crafted with the finest materials, designed to look like the physical embodiment of Rock. I particularly like the skeleton guitar below. Check out the rest of his designs on his website.

Braille CD-R confuses me

2008-05-15T15:11:00.008+01:00

Everyone knows that any product to help out the less-fortunate is a good thing. The beeping at the traffic lights, guide dogs, subtitles, wheelchair ramps - we cannot oppose these things with a clear conscience. But some products really do seem to take it too far. Made in Japan, these blank CDs and DVDs have their specifications raised on them in braille, so that the average blind PC user can burn things to disk without error;

Fair enough, but please correct me if I'm wrong - the process of accessing a PC, and operating a programme to select, queue up, and burn tracks or data to disks is a particularly visual one. I'm not trying to limit what blind people can do - but what's the use of producing these things if nobody can use them?

Surely the idea is to cut down the amount that the blind are reliant on the sighted, but all they can do with these disks is know what they are. The disks are blanks, so it's not even like the braille is about the contents of the disk - that would make a lot more sense. I'm sorry, I don't want to offend anyone (not that I'm too worried, they can't read this) - but really, what is the point?

UEFA Cup Final woes

2008-05-15T09:48:00.004+01:00

The UEFA Cup Final in Manchester was great fun all day. The sun was out, the beer was flowing, the Scots and the Russians were drunk, but friendly. I couldn't get a place to sit on my lunch break, but I didn't mind - it was only for one day. I don't follow football myself, but even I had to admit there was a great party atmosphere - and Manchester was set to benefit.

However, after a big-screen TV failed to work in town, a portion of the 120,000 Ranger's fans who had been drinking solidly for a whole day were understandably aggrieved. After trekking all over the city to find another place to watch the match, with varying success (drunk Scots were trying to get into the flats where I was, to find a TV), coupled with their team's loss of the title - things in Manchester turned nasty. A Russian fan has been stabbed, the streets around the city centre are swathed with beer cans, vomit and litter, criminal damage has been recorded city-wide - in all 42 people were arrested last night. It's a total mess - and I was kept awake for hours to the sounds of sirens, helicopters, fights and glass breaking.

I really wouldn't care, but they've ruined this city and it wasn't theirs to ruin. I am grumpy today. I still hate football - but just a little bit more now...

Saturday Night Shiva!

2008-05-09T14:50:00.003+01:00

Once again I'm sampling from the smorgasbord of spirituality, the buffet of Buddha, the All-you-can-eat of Allah, the last supper of errrrm, Christ.... Anyway, yes it's that time of the week where I boldly go where most people have gone before and gaze beyond my navel into world religions - and what makes them tick.

This week, I'm tackling one of the newest official religions available on the market, with only a very small (but dedicated) following - despite having been founded a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away.....................sorry some music just popped into my head.

That's right! Jediism, or the Jedi Church, or the Jedi Order - is now officially official, since enough people claimed to follow it and wrote it on a census at some point. So... what's in it for me?

Nothing, as far as I can tell. There is no dogmatic structure to follow, or rules as such. The core belief is that there is an unseen bond (or 'force') between all living things and people. Since the Jedi believe that people have an innate knowledge of right and wrong - it is held that the individual must take responsibility for their own actions. Pretty sensible really. Doing the right thing is a step towards the light side, doing the wrong thing is a step towards the dark side. Jediism is about contributing and participating in a positive social contract, applied utilitarianism, and Yoda.

Perhaps the most exciting aspect of the Jedi Order's official status for the nerds of the world, is that a Jedi Minister can legally marry two persons as Jedi. If I got a Jedi wedding, I would ask for the vows to be written how Yoda talks, have the minister dress and speak like Darth Vader, and we'd walk down the aisle to the Imperial March. '...Kiss the bride you may now..', I doubt my mother would ever allow it though.

I like the Jedi Order, it demands very little and gives very little back. For those that want it, it can make the happiest day of their lives a little more special and it encourages (but never enforces) positive action, kindness and meditation. But, it's based on Star Wars. I could never really level with myself that I follow a doctrine grounded in science-fiction (Take note, Scientologists) - and I like Star Wars.

This season's must-have.

2008-05-09T09:38:00.007+01:00

Americans are scared. They're scared of the rest of the world, they're scared of each other, they're scared of everything. That's why they carry weapons, have metal detectors at schools, and consistently elect governments with interventionist foreign policies. Fear has always been marketable in the States, but recently it's reached a new height of commercialism;

Forget Avon, Ann Summers, and Tupperware - the most recent trend for housewives' get-togethers is to test and purchase the latest in personal safety devices. However, not happy with the standard-issue tasers, the current models sport fetching cover designs and are available in powder blue, baby pink and the ever-tasteful leopard skin.

I really don't get this. Not being American, maybe I don't understand just how dangerous it is - but I don't see how these affluent women, who more than likely don't venture into the scarier parts of town, need this level of personal protection. Even if they did though - why do they need it to be a nice colour or pattern? The only situation where it will be visible in public is in the event of an attempted mugging or rape. It will be of little consolation to the perpetrator of said attack, to know that the implement of their disabling is a fetching leopard skin number.

I won't be surprised if they start to market designer guns.

(Well I say that - LINK)

M8, God Bless U - lol

2008-05-07T15:27:00.008+01:00

Pope Benedict XVI is set to text young Catholics when he attends World Youth Day in Australia. I don't know what World Youth Day is, but I'm a youth from the world and I wasn't invited. Anyway, it seems like the Pope wants to get 'home with the downies', 'hip to the groove' etc... by embracing technology to get his message out. Odd really, for centuries the Catholic church spurned technological advancement, and proclaimed heresy at many scientific discoveries. Nowadays, God's representative on Earth can be found blogging on his myspace, attending Catholic flashmobs, rocking out to NWA, and engaging in knife crime. Yes, he's one hip cat.

scary pope

BBC News Story Here.

Outpost Poster

2008-05-07T14:45:00.002+01:00

Scary looking Nazi-Zombies. Best kind.

Sexual Sealing

2008-05-06T09:39:00.005+01:00

My favourite news story of today is a tale of star-crossed lovers, angry at a world that rejects their love, being brave enough to defy their critics and just getting it on - doing it right on the beach. The beautiful moment was captured in tasteful black and white photographs;

Yes, it's a seal having sex with a penguin. The male fur seal shuffled onto his waddling lover and just started humping away - after having no luck with anyone of the same species. King penguins are known to mate for life, so this seal better not think it can have it's way with anyone else - penguin or otherwise. It's not clear whether the penguin is male or female, I don't think the seal was feeling fussy, but I do hope it was female - and that they have beautiful children together. Below is a renowned scientist's artistic impression of the offspring.

Read the BBC story, here.

I don't care how sad this is, I want it.

2008-05-05T16:55:00.006+01:00

Released later this month, this half-size scale replica of sci-fi's most useful droid is everything a boy could want. Fully remote-controllable, R2-D2 will wheel around your bedroom, chirping and beeping like he does, until stopping to project whatever you choose onto wall or ceiling. The main show is the video projector, but that is by no means all he can do...

Integrated mp3 and DVD players, digital radio, ports for all kinds of memory cards and USB memory sticks - even an integrated ipod dock - all hidden under access panels in the bodywork. In short, whatever you want to play, Artoo can play it. And play it well, he has his own speakers (20W - stereo), and can project an image up to 80" widescreen. I don't know how clear the picture will be - but for a guide price of about £2000, it should be pretty good. All of this, and the remote control is shaped (partially) like the millenium falcon. I just hope he doesn't have a bad motivator. (nerd joke)

I've just had my car MOT'd and serviced. It's worth about the same as this little guy. It's very, very tempting.

Pre-order yours here.

And Again....

2008-05-02T12:47:00.004+01:00

The late Heath Ledger...They've released a whole load of these - spot them on Empire here.

I can't wait for this film.

Christ on a bike!

2008-05-01T11:40:00.010+01:00

It's that time again, for those of us facing spiritual crisis to delve deeper into the realm of religion and find the answers to the great fundamental questions of life. Why am I here? Where did we come from? Why should I use all these separate cleaners, when I can just use Cillit Bang for every household chore? And so on.....

Taking the floor today is Scientology. Founded by science fiction writer and well known liar L.Ron Hubbard, the church officially claims to have around 3.7 million members in America alone (an official census put their numbers at about 55,000) - and with a handful of celebrity advocates, surely it's a safe bet for enlightenment...

The core beliefs of Scientology are largely to do with personal happiness. It is held that one must confront the negative things that hold us back, to emerge a happier person as a result. This is performed in 'auditing' sessions where the participant holds 2 metal rods connected to a central display. Readings from the display are recorded, and from this, the Auditor can infer what the participant needs from Scientology. This is all very lovely, but what the participant is told they 'need', will invariably cost them a hefty sum to access. Here is the breakdown of costs. A full education in Scientology can run to around $132,000 - but you can't put a price on enlightenment. A sceptic might point out that L.Ron Hubbard was famously quoted as saying, "I'm going to invent a religion that's going to make me a fortune" - but arguably he's only following the model of the Catholic church, they are well rich.

Don't worry though - there is an upside to the massive financial drain. If you're sick of boring bible stories, and depressing psalms - the story behind Scientology will knock your socks off! Despite originating from the pen of a science fiction writer who took a lot of drugs and drank a lot of rum - the following is a totally true (if abridged) history of the universe.

Xenu was the dictator of the 'Galactic Confederacy', a great empire of planets and galaxies, he ruled over many persons.
Xenu's empire was vast - too vast. He decided on a cull, and brought billions and billions of his subjects to the young Earth in his spaceships - which oddly looked like DC-8 aircraft.
Upon reaching Earth, Xenu took all his unfortunate subjects to volcanoes, where they were blown up with Hydrogen bombs
It is the souls of these aliens which affect us all negatively to this day, that Scientologists seek to remove by 'auditing', and getting into massive personal debt.
Read the full wikipedia post here, it's probably as accurate as any other account of this nonsense.

Criticism: Ok, I might not give any religious texts much serious consideration - it's my belief that they're supposed to be largely symbolic anyway - but come on... He didn't even try to make it symbolic. L.Ron Hubbard was clearly a clever guy, bent on making a lot of money from writing. Knowing as he did that the world's holy books are pretty much always the best-sellers - that's what he wrote. The case against Scientology is transparent. Whatever positive effects the members receive is weightily offset by this wealthy organisation's tax-exempt status as a 'religion'. No wonder the American economy is slowing down. They're giving their money away to vindicitve idiots. For fuck's sake....

Next Week (One of my personal favourites): The Jedi Church

This Looks Good....

2008-04-29T13:44:00.002+01:00

Don't think I need to say any more...

Craigslist weirdos....

2008-04-29T11:57:00.007+01:00

This is hardly news, but I have recently discovered 'Craigslist' - a non-profit website, founded a few years back by a bloke called Craig. He wanted to build a network in the San Francisco area, so that him and his friends could keep track of what was going on. It evolved into a global site where people can sell, househunt, jobsearch, meet people etc... It's free to post anything on there - because of this, it has also attracted a fair few weirdos... Below is a run down of my personal favourites, plus the links to prove they're not made up...

"Fed up of the bordom of cleaning your home? Well help is at hand with the Naked cleaning services. Naked Cleaners Merseyside offers a capable cleaning service with a difference. Why not make the cleaning of your house or flat the highlight of your week by watching the boring domestic chores brought to life by a handsome, nubile, scantly clad young man."

(Liverpool/Wirral Network - link)

"I am looking for a used dildo that is in good condition email me plz if you do have one to sell. male here"

(London Network - link)

"Mesh, lace, nylon, cotton, satin, silk...full bottom kickers and thongs. I was cleaning my drawers today and realized that I don't need so many knickers (more than 100 pairs). I only have one bum to cover, after all. Three red lace pairs, too. I was wondering if a gentleman out there would enjoy them as much as I do.

(Oxford Network - link)

"For Sale I have 26 Digital Fetish Photos of my Sexy Barefoot Soles for £7.50! Emailed Quickly to your Inbox! You wont be disappointed! Pics are LIFE-SIZED HUGE!"

(Belfast Network - link)

There's nowt as queer as folk....

Hobbit gets a leg-up.

2008-04-28T12:37:00.007+01:00

The forthcoming film adaptation of Tolkien's 'The Hobbit' (Or 'There and back again' - a Hobbit's tale by Bilbo Baggins) has received a further boost as director Guillermo Del Toro (Pan's Labyrinth, Hellboy, The Devil's Backbone) revealed that Sir Ian McKellen (Gandalf) and Andy Serkis (Gollum) are both on board for the new project, after their great successes in the Lord of The Rings trilogy.

This is great news for the film, as these two particularly iconic characters have been so well recieved when played by McKellen and Serkis - it can only mean good things for this project. This - on top of the choice of Del Toro for director, who will surely bring his own particular angle on dark fantasy to the film, means that The Hobbit is shaping up to be another high-quality piece of cinematic history.

I don't understand why you have to actually be a hobbit to make films about hobbits though - pictoral evidence below:

Peter Jackson Guillermo Del Toro

I can't believe it's not Buddha!

2008-04-25T10:52:00.012+01:00

As one travels down the rocky path of life, various hardships, trials and contemplations can usher one towards a spiritual life. Unfortunately for the discerning pew-warmer, the choice of religions grows year on year - making the decision about how to best care for your soul a difficult one indeed.

Never fear fellow navel-gazers! Help is at hand, right here on Time Kills, with my useful weekly guide to world religions. This week: Kabbalah

Kabbalah is an offshoot of Judaism, and according to their official website;

"Kabbalah — the world’s oldest body of spiritual wisdom — contains the long-hidden keys to the secrets of the universe as well as the keys to the mysteries of the human heart and soul"

These are some grand claims, attractive to any prospective disciple, but what do they say I should do to discover these 'secrets of the universe'? Frankly, I can't be bothered to read through all the stories of mystical sages and ancient powers - so here is my condensed Kabbalah:

You have to wear a red string on your wrist. This protects you from the "Evil Eye", as well as "dangerous negativity directed our way". It is described as a "Spiritual Vaccine", and there is a lengthy explanation of how to "apply the red string technology".

Criticism: It's a fucking red piece of string. You're idiots.

Trying to get deeper into Kabbalah proved difficult, as when I did, I was directed to download video teachings, which cost $99 each. I don't want to pay to be saved, so I can't divulge any details of what to do. Basically, what I now know is that the whole universe was founded by a thought of god, and humans deserve happiness but must first evolve into their greater selves by paying to download videos and wearing red string.

Conclusion: Kabbalah doesn't appear dangerous, and stems from one of the big world religions - which are 2 good reasons to follow it. On the flipside, you have to pay to learn, constantly explain why you wear a piece of string, and Madonna believes in it . She's a 49 year old woman who rollerskates in her pants and married Guy Ritchie, who put her in a film even though she really, really can't act.

I think I've made my point. Next time - Scientology.

Good Moaning...

2008-04-24T14:05:00.006+01:00

Somebody has finally seen sense and has thrown a decent amount of time and effort into making a film that marries two classic themes in a (hopefully) grittily realised rampage of brain-chewing and swastikas.

That's right, Zombie-Nazi film 'Outpost', produced by Scottish couple Arabella Croft and Kieran Parker, follows a group of mercenaries as they perform the seemingly simple task of exploring an ex-military bunker in eastern Europe.

But this is no ordinary bunker. As the mercenaries discover to their misfortune when they uncover evidence of a series of strange and gruesome experiments, and what's more - there's survivors...

I have high hopes for this film, and I really expect it to be awesome if properly executed.

(Check the trailer out here)

Also, for your viewing pleasure - somebody thought it was worthwhile getting a tattoo of a Nazi Zombie. Whatever floats your U-boat:

w.a.s.t.e of time?

2008-04-23T15:25:00.005+01:00

Always keen to keep ahead of the curve with any Radiohead news - this month I have discovered that Radiohead have launched their own social networking site at www.waste-central.com

This is by no means a unique idea, Radiohead are following other artists who already have established social networking websites to act as active fan clubs.

On the face of it, it seems to operate like a basic facebook or myspace clone. Once registered, users enter a little personal info into a profile page, and can then upload pictures and videos, become friends with other users and write on public message boards. The main activity so far seems to have centred around people uploading videos, mostly of Radiohead performing or being interviewed.

This is all very well and good, but the social networking aspect is a little redundant. Getting together with other Radiohead fans might be fun for a while, but it does feel instantly nerdy. Of course everyone on there is into the band, otherwise they wouldn't sign up, but there's only so many times you can read 'OMG so beautiful' commented against any and all of the songs and videos on the site. I do think Radiohead are awesome, but I don't need to talk to other people to know this.

So, if you like Radiohead, you might as well as sign up. I'll keep my account, for the chance it will inform me of gigs or offer discounts or something - but as for making 'friends', I'll give that a miss.

Meanwhile, enjoy this:

Radiohead - Fake Plastic Trees
Uploaded by nopulse

St. George's Day

2008-04-23T10:22:00.007+01:00

Happy St. George's day, I suppose...

You'd have to tell most English people that it's St. George's day today. They won't thank you for it though, the normal response is to grumble something vague about how it should be another bank holiday - then people would recognise it.

This isn't true. It's precisely because people don't recognise St. George's day (apart from here), that means it's not a bank holiday - and I doubt it ever will be.

The Irish (not to mention everyone else) love St. Patrick's day, as the Welsh and Scottish identify strongly with their saint's days (David and Andrew respectively) - so why not the English?

I can't blame them - there's not much for the English to identify with 'George', the Turkish-born Roman soldier who lived in Palestine in the 3rd century AD. Anyone can tell you that George killed a dragon, but if he did (and he most probably didn't) - it wasn't in England.

It's true that secular England needs to reclaim a national identity, without following mis-guided right-wing nationalism, but saint's days harken back to a time when the Church and the State were inseperable - and to rekindle these traditions is not progressive in this day and age.

Now, if it was St. George Dawes' Day - I'd be the first to sign the bank-holiday petition:

Scaremongering Works

2008-04-23T10:09:00.003+01:00

I don't want to dwell on this, but after yesterday's outburst, Hillary Clinton went on to secure a critical victory in Pennsylvania.

I'm not saying it's a direct result of what she said about Iran, but one can't rule out the power of such divisive rhetoric, especially in a country where Iran and the Iranian administration has been so thoroughly demonised of late.

Politics of Fear - Clinton pulls a gun

2008-04-22T16:33:00.011+01:00

On a crucial poll-day in Pennsylvania, presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton has desperately tried to sway the baying masses by verbally assaulting one of the USA's favourite scapegoats, Iran.

When asked what she would do if Iran launched a nuclear attack on Israel, Clinton replied;

"If I'm the president, we will attack Iran... we would be able to totally obliterate them..."

This kind of ill conceived pre-emptive threat to an arguably unstable nation, is evidence of blatant political immaturity, and a desire to appeal to narrow-minded voting Americans who have been force-fed their scapegoats for years. At the very least, if appointed, Clinton will have established even worse relations with Iran and the Middle East region as a whole.

Barack Obama remained level-headed when replying to Clinton's rant;

"Using words like 'obliterate' - it doesn't actually produce good results, and so I'm not interested in sabre-rattling."

I had previously believed that the current Democratic candidate race was a positive force, destined to usher in a new era of level-headed governance for America.

It seems however, there is another warmonger in the ranks....

Read the full BBC story here.

Guitar Hero IV

2008-04-22T11:59:00.006+01:00

In a recent interview with Portfolio.com, CEO of newly-created 'Activision Blizzard', Bobby Kotick, briefly hinted at the future of one of the most successful titles of recent years - Guitar Hero.

Whilst no firm details were given away, Kotick mused on the title's potential to reach an even wider audience by including more instruments - past the classic 'guitar-or-bass' option...

"It’s not just about guitars. We’ll include a lot of other instruments, vocals. It will help us expand internationally."

He clearly believes in the strength of the title, adding that the company's close ties with the Universal record label puts them in a unique position with regards to acquiring the rights to artists and songs.

Add into the mix the eagerly anticipated 'Guitar Hero: On Tour', on the Nintendo DS - this is one franchise with serious legs, not to mention riffs...

In fact, the only thing putting me off is this ridiculously cheesy advert;

If it makes me look like that - I'm not getting it...

Killing Time

2008-04-21T15:16:00.008+01:00

Welcome to the blog, e-traveller. You are no doubt here by mistake. Then again, by an accident of birth - you could have been anywhere else. In body, in mind, and online.

So, why are you here?

Who knows? Maybe our fates are intertwined, and you have just prompted the first tiny cosmic movements towards our eventual meeting in super exciting, and dramatic circumstances (basically like Star Wars).....

Or perhaps this is it. This sole point in history where we have made contact electronically, your consciousness touching on my illogical, aimless musings for the briefest of moments before being cast asunder, lost to the bleakness of time and space.....

Or perhaps you're just bored. In that case, we're not so dissimilar you and I.

We are both here to kill time - before it kills us.